Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Operation #Gettogoalweight

May 1, 2016 is the day that I took my journey back. I started my weight loss journey in 2010 prior to getting my Gastric Bypass in January of 2011. I have kept almost all of my weight off post my gastric bypass, but my weight loss surgery (WLS) is just a tool. Over the last five years I've had major life events happen that included an across country move, a new job, a divorce, a move within the state, another new job, and an engagement followed by a broken engagement and broken heart/person/spirit. Along all of my life changes I had some major health concerns along the way, but now its 2016 and I'm ready to get back to my journey to get the weight off and to reach my weight loss goal weight.

My journey hasn't been all about numbers, but numbers are part of my journey. I don't focus on the non-scale victories (NSV) like I should and no matter the context, reason, or the why its the reality that I am not at my goal weight. So where do I begin. On May 1, 2016 I start at 224.0 lbs. Where do I want to be? My end goal weight is desired to be 150-165 lbs by my bariatric doctor. I am going to first reach 200 lbs then 190 lbs then 180 lbs. I have met him in middle and set my ultimate goal weight to be 165-170 lbs. I've come really far. If you want to see where this journey began all those years ago check out It shows the very beginning through my divorce in December of 2013. Then I stopped. I couldn't find my voice, but I need my voice for ME!

How am I going to reach my goal weight? I needed to take control back into my life. Control over my environment, my food intake, my relationship with food, calorie counting, and fueling my body correctly. I chose after much thought and research to go through Medifast with the blessing of my doctors. I started the program on May 1, 2016. This is my journey to reach my goal weight and this is just part of the journey. Join me.

My current weight is 216.0 lbs. 
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Thursday, October 3, 2013

Fighting the Enemy - Myself

In the midst of the immense change that comes with a divorce I can safely say that right now I am my own worst enemy in moving forward. I hadn't ever really thought of it this till a friend pointed it out. I, the enemy, feel the need to sabatoge my happiness - my here and now...my future. Why?

So as I was driving to work this morning I got to thinking about questions about why I would be sabatoging myself.

I often feel that:

I don't deserve to be happy. My happiness has revolved someone else's happiness not my own. Don't I deserve to be happy? YES!

Why can't allow myself to be happy? I think it comes down to the unsaid "feeling" that I should be miserable going through a divorce, I shouldn't find any happiness....I should be sad, but honestly there are huge parts of my life, my day, and myself that are happy almost excited about the changes.

I feel guilty for being happy. I am the only one that can control this feeling and I need to be positive though I realize I might have these feelings for a long time to come as this transition continues in my life.

I'm not important. Yes, I feel that I'm not important. It has been so long that I've put myself first that I don't feel important, but I need to. I need to take care of me and I can't apologize for the selfishness that this is something that is really important - now more than ever. Yet, I feel like everyone else's needs go before my own.

I'm scared of the future of being alone. This isn't an unnatural fear in this situation but I don't need to be scared. Yes, times are rough - but they will get better and I need to recommitt to myself that they will get better because it won't always be like this. Just as my marriage wasn't always bad....my future won't be bad.

Can I trust again? Trusting is hard for me especially with men right now - but not everyone is going to break the trust that he did.

I want to run. Yes, I run...I've ran for years. I run because then I leave the past and the bad behind, but I can't run. For once in my life I'm right where I want to be. I have a job that I love, I'm in a place I enjoy...I love TX (I''ve always called it my home) - so why do I feel the need to run. It is because I've run before...always...but no more.

I want to run from those that want to care for me. It is safer to push back and away then to embrace them...to know that I can be loved. That I'm worthy of love after this process. I know that when I push I become irrational...sad....mad...upset. I don't want to push away - but its a natural instinct for me.

So I am my own worst enemy from denying myself happiness to embracing the good that is going to come of this parting. I need to fight myself to be happy...to want...to desire...to be who I want to be in the end - because I want that all that I deserved the first time around....and do it differently.


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Wednesday, October 2, 2013

New Reality

A chapter of my life is coming to a close. The last 5 years I have been Melissa Bettis, but before the end of the year is out I will return back to Melissa Nabors...my former self. In ways I already have started to reclaim the life prior to my marriage, but I know it will truly take time.

It has been over a month since I've asked for a divorce.
It's been a little over two weeks since he moved out.
It has been 8 months in the making....
It has been a week since I purged my apartment of items that "were ours" minus our Love box
It's been 6 days since I rearranged my apartment
It has been 5 days since I feel like it is my house now
It has been 3 days since I last missed the man I married
It has been 2 days since I screamed, cried, and tore photos
It has been 1 day since I still couldn't sleep without someone next to me
It has been 3 hours since I've last cried
It has been 30 min since I last took meds to calm me down and help me through this

I've avoided folding the last bit of his clothes
I've avoided washing my favorite sweatshirt of his because it smells like him
I can't bear the thought to move the boxes of his stuff out into the storage unit
I miss my dvr being full of items I wouldn't watch
I don't find Dr. Pepper cans all over the house anymore
My closets and cabinets stay closed and aren't left half open anymore
All of my laundry hits the laundry basket now
The apartment isn't cold any longer, you know longer need a winter coat every day
The fridge is half empty
The bathroom feels bigger without his stuff on the counters
Grocery shopping was only 30 bucks last week (thank you Gastric Bypass)

But here I am missing things...items....scenarios that are gone.

I don't know how to express my feelings and even now I feel inadaquate to talk about my heart and the shape its in. I still physically hurt - my heart. It feels like I'm hurt so deep that the soul needs to be repaired, but I can't seem to reach it. I feel hollow, I feel accomplished yet guilty, I feel lonely, I feel alone...I feel like I'm all alone. This alone feeling is so humbling....I'm missing part of me. I'm missing part of my soul...my heart is shattered and to be honest I don't know where all the pieces are at any more.

I'm in limbo yet I move on. I get up. I work. I attempt to occoupy myself. I sleep. I wake. I work. The cycle continues. The new schedule of my life. I'm not taking care of anyone but me. I'm not zen, my heart races, my mind grasps, my tummy hurts. I put my makeup on and put on a smile, but my insides hurt. I hurt. I miss...things I shouldn't.

I'm scared of what others are going to say - not knowing all the ins and outs of what got me here in this moment. I'm terrified that sides have been drawn and that I'm here - holding my life in a hand...not knowing where to go next. So I'm in limbo yet I move on. I get up. I work. I attempt to occoupy myself. I sleep. I wake. I work. The cycle continues.

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Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Words of Wisdom Wednesday

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Grab the link and link up your favorite quotes!
 
Couldn't have said it better myself
 
Good advice. #JodiMcKee
 
 
perfect.
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emotional ups and downs

It has been a roller coaster of a ride since I was diagnosed with costocrondritus. it hasn't been easy and I have been on the path to realizing why...why me in this moment have I been chosen to carry this because a good friend asked me to think about it. i may not know why I was chosen until after it was over, but there is a reason I was chosen to carry this. I have learned empathy not sympathy for those who suffer in constant pain. I have learned patience with my body as it heals. I have learned limits of when I need to stop, ask for help, and to say no. I have had to change and adapt to this body for right now...not for ever.

It also seems that I've been able to process alot of pain (personal, inside, emotional) that I've put off doing. I've needed to be in the game and I know better not to process such deep things, but for the last 9 months - I've just made it through. This all hit me last week and this past weekend I was emotionally exhausted with examining myself. Yes, I need to examine it, find out why I feel the way I do and heal - this is a type of healing that doesn't happen over night and ironically I'm finding this out alongside my costocrndritus that doesn't and can't be healed over night as well.

It has been hard to not turn to food. My mind has turned to carbs, bad eats, and everything in between related to the old pre-WLS body. Luckily with the meds I'm on I can't eat those right now and the costrocronditus is actually making my pouch (fred) not so happy. Instead of turning to bad foods the good foods are going down. Shakes, protein, soft foods like yogurt, and items that I should be eating are going down. Hooray!!!! So it is an instant way to know that I'm not being allowed to sabotage myself even though my mind is there. Having accountability partner during this has been awesome. Knowing I can share a picture of my food or what I'm eating makes a huge difference. Don't choose that you don't need it is what I need. Having a shake in hand when we go out for dinner also helps a ton too because let's face it support comes in all different forms and this form is needed because I don't want to be 200 lbs no matter what the obstacle.

Obstacles are being seen physically and mentally. I can't run and exercise like I want, but it is important to be active to have blood pumping into my inflammed area even if it hurts. So I walk. I walked 5 miles this weekend. It felt good. It wasn't a crazy pace it was just walking. I can tell a difference of why I need to walk and get blood flow to areas that are inflammed, I may not like it but at minimum my 20 minutes of walking is going to be necessary to keep that part of me healthy whether I like it or not. Mentally obstacles are harder. I have to be more conscious of what is going on in my daily life. Mindfulness is essential and I'm making a daily effort to be mindful so the mess that I'm dealing with in my head and heart doesn't spill out all over the place. Harder than physical work I swear!


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Tuesday, September 3, 2013

feeling very emotional lately so i'm turning to music

here are some songs that are on replay on my phone:

"Skyscraper" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lO-qe-eL7A
[Verse 1:]
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching tear drops in my hands
Only silence as it's ending
Like we never had a chance
Do you have to make me feel like
There's nothing left of me?

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

[Verse 2:]
As the smoke clears, I awaken
And untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better
To watch me while I bleed?
All my windows still are broken
But I'm standing on my feet

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

[Bridge:]
Go run, run, run
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear
Yeah, oh
Go run, run, run
Yeah, it's a long way down
But I am closer to the clouds up here

[Chorus:]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Oh Oh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper

(Like a skyscraper)

Like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
 
 
"Dark Side" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SC6QW9H1zUs
Oh oh oh, there's a place that I know
It's not pretty there and few have ever gone
If I show it to you now
Will it make you run away?

Or will you stay
Even if it hurts
Even if I try to push you out
Will you return?
And remind me who I really am
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Like a diamond
From black dust
It's hard to know
What can become
If you give up
So don't give up on me
Please remind me who I really am

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away
Just tell me that you will stay
Promise me you will stay
Don't run away
Don't run away
Just promise me you will stay
Promise me you will stay

Will you love me? ohh

Everybody's got a dark side
Do you love me?
Can you love mine?
Nobody's a picture perfect
But we're worth it
You know that we're worth it
Will you love me?
Even with my dark side?

Don't run away
Don't run away

Don't run away
Promise you'll stay
 
"Brave" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
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Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Words of Wisdom Wednesday with Guest Post by Cyndi

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At the OAC conference last year in Dallas, I had the chance to meet some wonderful people and this lady is one of them. Cyndi has become a fast friend and she is always on the go. She inspires me to do more, be better, work my tool, and life life to the fullest. I'm also walking 3 5Ks with her in the next 6 months!!!! She is super fun, her excitement is contagious and an all around an amazing woman. Here is a bit of her story....

Hi my name is Cyndi Jochum and I am a weight loss surgery (WLS) patient. I was at my highest weight of 308lbs in 2003. Now mind you I am only 5’3” tall and that is a lot of weight to carry around, especially when you played softball and volleyball. I really couldn’t get around very well. I decided to have the gastric bypass surgery to get the weight down. I had tried so many different diets and they would work for a few months but the weight would just come back, not to mention almost double the amount that I had lost. So I had the surgery in August of 2003 and lost about 80lbs within a year!!! Woo Hoo. I was so excited to see almost a whole person go away. I couldn’t believe how much better I felt. Was able to get around much better and was enjoying life. Still trying everything to keep the weight off but I plateaued at 230lbs. I stayed at 230lbs for 6 years. Yes you saw it 6 years!!! OMG that was good for me that I was maintaining my weight loss but then I gradually started creeping back up there again. I got up to 268lbs by June of 2011. I came to a realization that I didn’t have gastric bypass surgery to put back the weight on. The doctor that I went to originally was no longer in business since they closed up shop about a year and half after my surgery. So I had no support or guidance after that.  Fast forward to 2011, I went to another doctor to get checked out. This new doctor found that the opening to my pouch was overly large and agreed to do a revision. Luckily insurance covered it again, because my BMI was still too high. Well when the doctor got in there he found out that my pouch was overly large also, which meant that the original doctor didn’t do it correctly. Well the new doctor fixed my opening and my pouch and gave me more distal limbs so that I would be able to lose more weight.  I have since lost another 80lbs or so. I am still on my journey of losing weight. I have a little more to go to get to my goal weight. I am so excited to have been able to drop from a size 24 to a size 14 in just under 2 years.
Cyndi today
 
I am so blessed to be able to share this with you. I also want to share that I haven’t had any surgery for loose skin. I have been tightening, toning, and firming using It Works Ultimate Body Applicator. Have you heard about THAT CRAZY WRAP THING?  I am an Independent Distributor with It Works! Global and I love this company. This is a first to market product that is flying off the shelves. It is has helped me to tighten, tone and firm all my excess skin.  We also have supplements and skin care. All the products are all natural ingredients which I love. I don’t like taking medication if I don’t have to. The supplements alone are phenomenal, my levels have been awesome. I also take the “GREENS”, Which is 8 servings of fruits and vegetables, made with 38 organic different super foods. This helps my body to stay alkalized.

I can honestly tell you that I have suffered from sinuses 24/7/365. And that I am generally in the doctor’s office at least 3 times between August and Mar with a severe sinus infection. I can tell you that since I started taking the “GREENS” in August of 2012 I have not been to the doctor for a sinus infection yet.  I realized that my sinuses are not bothering me anymore. I don’t wake up sneezing 15-20 times at a time. I am not having breathing problems or having low energy. The “GREENS” are giving me energy and alkalizing my body to the proper PH that it needs to be. I am loving it!!!!! I wrap at every week. I work on one specific area at a time. A box of 4 wraps is a treatment. I am still working on myself.  IF you are interested in making extra money this is a great way to meet a few extra bills a month. What is the amount of the extra money you need a month?

Thank you for reading about my journey. If I have inspired you (I love to inspire people) or sparked an interest of any kind please let me know. You can friend me on www.facebook.com/cyndi.jochum. Please like my Business page www.facebook.com/ItWorkswithCyndiJochum. If you have more questions about IT WORKS and would like to Try THAT CRAZY WRAP THING let me know you can check out my website https://cyndijochum.myitworks.com  or you can call me at 817-797-6374. I would love to help you  achieve your goals and assist you on your journey if I can.

May GOD Bless each and every one of you on your success.

Cheers,
Cyndi Jochum
Independent Distributor with It Works! Global
817-797-6374
https://cyndijochum.myitworks.com




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