Wednesday, September 4, 2013

emotional ups and downs

It has been a roller coaster of a ride since I was diagnosed with costocrondritus. it hasn't been easy and I have been on the path to realizing why...why me in this moment have I been chosen to carry this because a good friend asked me to think about it. i may not know why I was chosen until after it was over, but there is a reason I was chosen to carry this. I have learned empathy not sympathy for those who suffer in constant pain. I have learned patience with my body as it heals. I have learned limits of when I need to stop, ask for help, and to say no. I have had to change and adapt to this body for right now...not for ever.

It also seems that I've been able to process alot of pain (personal, inside, emotional) that I've put off doing. I've needed to be in the game and I know better not to process such deep things, but for the last 9 months - I've just made it through. This all hit me last week and this past weekend I was emotionally exhausted with examining myself. Yes, I need to examine it, find out why I feel the way I do and heal - this is a type of healing that doesn't happen over night and ironically I'm finding this out alongside my costocrndritus that doesn't and can't be healed over night as well.

It has been hard to not turn to food. My mind has turned to carbs, bad eats, and everything in between related to the old pre-WLS body. Luckily with the meds I'm on I can't eat those right now and the costrocronditus is actually making my pouch (fred) not so happy. Instead of turning to bad foods the good foods are going down. Shakes, protein, soft foods like yogurt, and items that I should be eating are going down. Hooray!!!! So it is an instant way to know that I'm not being allowed to sabotage myself even though my mind is there. Having accountability partner during this has been awesome. Knowing I can share a picture of my food or what I'm eating makes a huge difference. Don't choose that you don't need it is what I need. Having a shake in hand when we go out for dinner also helps a ton too because let's face it support comes in all different forms and this form is needed because I don't want to be 200 lbs no matter what the obstacle.

Obstacles are being seen physically and mentally. I can't run and exercise like I want, but it is important to be active to have blood pumping into my inflammed area even if it hurts. So I walk. I walked 5 miles this weekend. It felt good. It wasn't a crazy pace it was just walking. I can tell a difference of why I need to walk and get blood flow to areas that are inflammed, I may not like it but at minimum my 20 minutes of walking is going to be necessary to keep that part of me healthy whether I like it or not. Mentally obstacles are harder. I have to be more conscious of what is going on in my daily life. Mindfulness is essential and I'm making a daily effort to be mindful so the mess that I'm dealing with in my head and heart doesn't spill out all over the place. Harder than physical work I swear!


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