Wednesday, October 2, 2013

New Reality

A chapter of my life is coming to a close. The last 5 years I have been Melissa Bettis, but before the end of the year is out I will return back to Melissa former self. In ways I already have started to reclaim the life prior to my marriage, but I know it will truly take time.

It has been over a month since I've asked for a divorce.
It's been a little over two weeks since he moved out.
It has been 8 months in the making....
It has been a week since I purged my apartment of items that "were ours" minus our Love box
It's been 6 days since I rearranged my apartment
It has been 5 days since I feel like it is my house now
It has been 3 days since I last missed the man I married
It has been 2 days since I screamed, cried, and tore photos
It has been 1 day since I still couldn't sleep without someone next to me
It has been 3 hours since I've last cried
It has been 30 min since I last took meds to calm me down and help me through this

I've avoided folding the last bit of his clothes
I've avoided washing my favorite sweatshirt of his because it smells like him
I can't bear the thought to move the boxes of his stuff out into the storage unit
I miss my dvr being full of items I wouldn't watch
I don't find Dr. Pepper cans all over the house anymore
My closets and cabinets stay closed and aren't left half open anymore
All of my laundry hits the laundry basket now
The apartment isn't cold any longer, you know longer need a winter coat every day
The fridge is half empty
The bathroom feels bigger without his stuff on the counters
Grocery shopping was only 30 bucks last week (thank you Gastric Bypass)

But here I am missing things...items....scenarios that are gone.

I don't know how to express my feelings and even now I feel inadaquate to talk about my heart and the shape its in. I still physically hurt - my heart. It feels like I'm hurt so deep that the soul needs to be repaired, but I can't seem to reach it. I feel hollow, I feel accomplished yet guilty, I feel lonely, I feel alone...I feel like I'm all alone. This alone feeling is so humbling....I'm missing part of me. I'm missing part of my heart is shattered and to be honest I don't know where all the pieces are at any more.

I'm in limbo yet I move on. I get up. I work. I attempt to occoupy myself. I sleep. I wake. I work. The cycle continues. The new schedule of my life. I'm not taking care of anyone but me. I'm not zen, my heart races, my mind grasps, my tummy hurts. I put my makeup on and put on a smile, but my insides hurt. I hurt. I miss...things I shouldn't.

I'm scared of what others are going to say - not knowing all the ins and outs of what got me here in this moment. I'm terrified that sides have been drawn and that I'm here - holding my life in a hand...not knowing where to go next. So I'm in limbo yet I move on. I get up. I work. I attempt to occoupy myself. I sleep. I wake. I work. The cycle continues.


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