Thursday, October 3, 2013

Fighting the Enemy - Myself

In the midst of the immense change that comes with a divorce I can safely say that right now I am my own worst enemy in moving forward. I hadn't ever really thought of it this till a friend pointed it out. I, the enemy, feel the need to sabatoge my happiness - my here and future. Why?

So as I was driving to work this morning I got to thinking about questions about why I would be sabatoging myself.

I often feel that:

I don't deserve to be happy. My happiness has revolved someone else's happiness not my own. Don't I deserve to be happy? YES!

Why can't allow myself to be happy? I think it comes down to the unsaid "feeling" that I should be miserable going through a divorce, I shouldn't find any happiness....I should be sad, but honestly there are huge parts of my life, my day, and myself that are happy almost excited about the changes.

I feel guilty for being happy. I am the only one that can control this feeling and I need to be positive though I realize I might have these feelings for a long time to come as this transition continues in my life.

I'm not important. Yes, I feel that I'm not important. It has been so long that I've put myself first that I don't feel important, but I need to. I need to take care of me and I can't apologize for the selfishness that this is something that is really important - now more than ever. Yet, I feel like everyone else's needs go before my own.

I'm scared of the future of being alone. This isn't an unnatural fear in this situation but I don't need to be scared. Yes, times are rough - but they will get better and I need to recommitt to myself that they will get better because it won't always be like this. Just as my marriage wasn't always future won't be bad.

Can I trust again? Trusting is hard for me especially with men right now - but not everyone is going to break the trust that he did.

I want to run. Yes, I run...I've ran for years. I run because then I leave the past and the bad behind, but I can't run. For once in my life I'm right where I want to be. I have a job that I love, I'm in a place I enjoy...I love TX (I''ve always called it my home) - so why do I feel the need to run. It is because I've run before...always...but no more.

I want to run from those that want to care for me. It is safer to push back and away then to embrace know that I can be loved. That I'm worthy of love after this process. I know that when I push I become irrational...sad....mad...upset. I don't want to push away - but its a natural instinct for me.

So I am my own worst enemy from denying myself happiness to embracing the good that is going to come of this parting. I need to fight myself to be be who I want to be in the end - because I want that all that I deserved the first time around....and do it differently.


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