"For those of us that reside in the "obese or morbidly obese" category according to the BMI calculator more often than not there doesn't feel like there is any hope. it doesn't matter how many carbs you may eat or how many calories you limit yourself to. you could walk on the treadmill all day and eat an apple and somehow our bodies gain weight.
I also realize that I am a morbidly obese woman sitting here at my desk writing this and to whomever may read this either will agree with me or will vehemently think I am ignorant and should stop typing and go do the insanity work out series. But what most people don't realize at least they may or may not realize about my weight and myself is that no insanity video, carb limiting diet, or specialize dinners are going to cure my obesity ALONE.
I am no longer scared to state that I, Lissa, am in the morbidly obese category My BMI is 49.9. I am 5' 4" and weigh 286. It could be a few more or a few less lbs but this is what I place on the doctors forms. That is the easy description of who I am, but that is definitely not how I define myself totally. There is a lot more to me than just my weight, but for the focus of this blog this is my weight loss journey, my rationalization, and the experience of hope.
I've been "fat" since I was a pre-teen. I've been wearing plus size clothes since I was 10 years old and at my heaviest in highschool I was called every clever name for someone over 150 lbs. My weight has only grown since I was 10. I've been on every diet imaginable. I've done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, low carb, high protein, and all the in betweens. My weight kept me guarded emotionally and I didn't have a typical childhood by any means, but ironically I didn't base all of my self worth on how I looked. I was the smart, fat girl and that has taken me on a road to so many places that I never imagined.
As the smart fat girl I didn't really date in high school I did date in college and then I dated in and after grad school. I blossomed late in all the right areas of my life and really in some ways being fat saved my heart for really falling in love the right way, knowing who my friends truly were, and always knowing where I stood with boys. It wasn't easy at all and there are still days I hate looking at myself in the mirror and still to this day hate hearing "but your such a pretty girl if you would only loose weight!"
Well this is no fairy tale and its definitely not a disney one unless you count fiona in Shrek as the only plus size princess, but when I was 24 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Finally I had an answer to why no matter what I did I gained weight!!!!!!! Yes, I gained weight on WW and Jenny Craig. I gained weight by looking at food sometimes I swear, but in all honesty I had an answer, not an excuse.
If you knew me in highschool you know I got bigger as the years went on. I went to college in 1999 and lost a ton of weight (one of the signs of PCOS) and have kept off a large poundage for over 10 years, but I'm still not comfortable near the 300 lb mark as that means I'm going backwards. My health is serious concern for me. With PCOS comes a list of comorbidities diabetes - check, anxiety - check, high blood pressure and cholesterol - check and check, acid reflux - check, hirsutism - check, irregular cycles - check, cysts - check, and then there are the implications of the extra weight.
This all changed for me about a month and half ago. I had finally got frustrated enough to ask my doctor to put me on weight loss medication. Not alli cause it didn't work, I wanted something that would help my weight. I was ready to try anything to not become 300 lbs. So in May of this year I made the appt with my doctor and in a teary mess she told me no to meds, but she told me yes to weight loss surgery.
I was shocked. I've wanted this for so long to have weight loss surgery, but never did I think a doctor would okay it. She told me with my history of PCOS, attempts and failures, and now being a full fledge diabetic that I needed to do this. I came home to my husband in all and excited. I was excited for the first time in my life!
I called my insurance company to see if they covered it. YES!!!!! I met every requirement. There are still things I must do for them to cover it, but I'm meeting their list of demands with my list of hopes and dreams. I'm going after it with gusto just like I do with everything else!
I attended my weight loss surgery seminar on May 25th with my wonderful husband in tow. I have been researching and getting my paperwork together. I meet with my regular doctor for tests and record collecting on June 11th and I meet my surgeon at Vanderbilt on July 1st!
I am on my way to weighing in a lot less. There are a lot of hurdles to jump through and to cross, but I'm hopeful, I'm excited, and I'm motivated to have a tool that will not only help my health, but also help me feel more like i've always felt."
August 2013 I can write the following:
This journey has been the most impactful act that I've ever taken part of in my life. I have laughed, I have cried, I have hoped, I have been frustrated, but there is one thing I've never lost .... HOPE. Here I am 32 months post surgery living on the "losers" bench and living in onderland, and I'm not giving up. There have been set backs. My journey has not been perfect. There have been challenges and I am currently not at my goal weight, but there is still HOPE. My journey is far from over. I'm starting to explore parts of me that I didn't know even existed because I chose to be brave and take the step of WLS.