Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Emotionally Exhausted

I think I realize now more than ever what has been wrong for months...I'm emotionally exhausted. When one reaches this stage you can really feel everything on a larger scale: your more irratable, your more sensitive, your physically exhausted from the mental anguish and more. For me my anxiety climbs, my blood pressure isn't normal, and I get head hunger to add to the other things. But there is a level of emotional exhaustion from life...the life that has been giving me more than I think I can handle and just being this limbo of emotional exhaustion.

I don't like it. I don't want it. It is time for me to make it stop. It is time for me to take care of myself. So that is what I did - I took two days off work last week and watched movies, laid around the house, slept in and took naps, I spent time with my husband and my anxiety - I let it win. I let it take over because there was no more fight left within me. There was just no more fight.

When my anxiety gets bad enough I start to have moments of blackouts. Its part of the diagnosis in D.I.D. that is called dissociation. This is not a good place to be and I haven't had them in nearly 4 years, but after 4 bouts of these blackouts - I admitted to take them more seriously so with high anxiety and even anxiety about letting my brain relax - I did that this weekend. I took the meds, I slept my brain back into a place where it felt good, and I feel better. My anxiety is still not under control - but it is at a place where I feel better...most of the time.

It means that for me I cut out the drama, I cut out the bad, I cut out the negative and I cocooned myself into a place where I felt safe...I needed safety and my brain needed to be calmed. It has been tamed but there will be more fights to come. I need to take my time to heal and to heal I must focus on me and be selfish which I hate. So I cocoon and I take my time and I breathe. I spend alot of my time in bed sleeping because I'm simply exhausted. I know this is part of the healing, but I want it to stop. I want the heart palpitations, the moments where my chest grows tight, those feelings like I'm going to implowed on myself and I want to handle all that is coming at me in life...this unfair part of life.


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