I'm sore (my knees act up)
My mood is not happy
I'm tired and sleepy
I want to curl up and not leave my bed
That is just physical rain.
When the "rain" of life hits...well here is my list:
I'm hungry (but its head hunger not real I need to eat)
I want to curl up in a ball and not leave my bed
I want to sleep
I want to cry
I depress myself with looking at the situation
I can't see past the immediate crap
I see negative
I want to not do anything
My mind races
I run scenarios through my head
I run so many scenarios my brain won't sleep
I exhaust myself
So the rain of life is hitting me and the hubs pretty hard. There are some things our of our control. There are some things that we are praying for...There are some things that feel that they are bigger than us but we hold tight. WE hold tight.
I feel as if my luck runs out anymore that I will be treading water, but I'm reminder that God is bigger and that I'm small enough for him to take care of. I'm reminded that there are people that love us no matter what. I'm reminded that the bills will get paid - just not all today and that there is a reason for payment plans. I'm thankful that God has opened up doors for us to have a care system in place that love us - I'm thankful for the wonderful opportunity we have before us to work in housing - this time residential/apartments that are local and that can take burden off of the money in rent - we can't wait to wrap this up. I'm thankful for the little things because now the big things feel TOO big.
I'm thankful for...
friends that walk beside us in a time where it has been tough
family who listens to me both cry and rejoice
opportunity for new things and the hope of a better place to call home
the opportunity to expand my horizons and teach in the fall
for a husband who is working his butt off to get better with an impossible illness in front of him
for words...i never realized how important they were
for my WLS and for the dedication that it makes me have for myself
for my mom who is a good friend
for my dad who gave me advice that i never thought he would....ever have to give
for a sister who is growing up and is better at some stuff than me
for the possibility of tomorrow....
for furniture that is ours
for a washer and dryer
and this is silly but i'm thankful that I can sit and reminise about my life with my husband - its been 4 years of hard...but we are still here.
Rain has hit...its falling all around. I feel like I am at an impass and that there is no end in sight - but my anxiety reality is worse than the reality that there is perfection here and that there is no way to be perfect. No way for me, Melissa, to be perfect. It is trial and error - working things out and doing some of the hardest work in my life.
I never expected it....to be here in this moment, but I am so as my friends have graciously told me I will be strong because I am strong. I will be strong because I am a survivor - there is always light I just need to open my eyes to it.