I don't even know where to begin. Today was just rough. There are so many emotions running through me that I just feel like I want to word vomit all over my blog...in life...to people. Today has been a roller coaster of emotions and sugar highs and lows.
have had major anxiety
talked to my Dad and Mom
felt like a failure
felt like the fat girl
couldn't breathe because of fear
felt terrified during a CT
had a moment of non scale victories
slept from exhaustion
I woke up this morning at 4 am from a major sugar drop. There is nothing scarier than being woken up out of medicated sleep and knowing that your sugar isn't where it needs to be, to have sight issues, to know that you need to eat and feel fear. My sugar was 60. I ate. I waited....I took it again it was then 225. I waited and slept but bad sleep and was awoken again at 6:30 ish and my sugar was 62. The roller coaster was exhausting and it wasn't 7 am. I woke up my husband. I needed to go to the emergency room. I needed answers.
So here my poor husband (who has worked 6 days this week and this was day off #1) and I wake him up to go to the ER. We get to the ER and my sugar is 122. I give my list of issues and explain the RNY which is hard when nurses don't do RNY and everyone kind of just looks at you feeling like "how do you know so much about this" and I got told to hold one more than once because "i know a lot about my history" - so here I am in a new hospital and not been be able eat, haven't taken my meds, and i'm really thirsty so I drink...20 oz down. I wait. They take blood.
Nurse that takes blood = suck. I get 2 holes and only 3 little tubes and nice bruises ready to show off. They wait...its processed. Between triage at 122 and my blood draw the sugar is down to 81 in 40 min. I continue not to eat. Hubs gets me another bottle of water. I have a high contrast CT to rule out the major issues and dangers of hypoglycemia - that is another 2 hours. Good news no tumor on the pancreas, no issues with the GI, my pouch is ok, no bowel obstructions, gall bladder okay - and here I am sent home to see my doctor.
So tomorrow I'm off to see my doc my 196 lb self that I am loathing and crying. I feel here that I'm down, I'm trodden, I'm over worked with the sugar and I'm sad...very sad. I don't want to gain weight and here I am being compliant as I can be and doing what I'm told and I'm gaining. I've heard so many times today that it isn't about the weight - but for me it is...it partially is. It is part of this mental part of WLS and my brain saw the weight on the scale and I freaked out! 196 - that means I've only lost 98 lbs to date since surgery and kept it off. That terrifies me. I know that I can kick this but right now its too raw...too close. I'm too sad.