I am someone who likes to make decisions. I don't tend to think long about decisions because I tend to research on the forefront rather than mull over like a processor, but lately I've found that when you are truly changing and looking at yourself in many ways that are deep and life altering you can't just make decisions. For me research is still key, because I enjoy fact gathering and information, but soul searching is something that is new to me despite the irony that I have deep strengths in belief and significance. There is a point though that I'm finding clarity as I mull over things I want to change, impact, grow etc.
Ok...so how do I find clarity? Well I think different situations call for different processes. I've been working on my goal to be a better wife and have a better marriage relationship because like I've stated - marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm getting ready to celebrate 3 years and sometimes feel like I don't know much after all - so working towards the goal I've needed a lot of patience (thank you to my husband) and friends who are able to listen, direct, and share. My clarity has been coming from really figuring out what I want out of my marriage, what I need to communicate, and where I want to go. My clarity is also talking things out with people I admire and that are going through the same thing as me. This has been key because my background with parental influence is lots of bad icky divorce stories and not long term relationship and marriages. Now I am at the point where I can talk to my husband about what I've been thinking and since he is a processor I'll wait till he processes those things and then we can make plans and changes....but this process has been mind blowing to me. I've been able to examine avenues to things that I've never imagined, looked at pre-conceived notions about marriage, relationships, and what kind of wife I need to be. I've also been able to see how there are realistic expectations and non realistic expectations. In some ways I've been living in the non realistic age lately - so my reality wake up was a good thing for me and will ultimately be a good thing for my marriage long term.
Waking up into reality is sobering. I like that word - sobering. Yes, I needed to sober up about my weight. I need to be realistic about my goals, my path, and my strengths. It has gotten me this far so I'm going to re-examine my process to continue the weight loss post advising season with the same tools that I'm examining my marriage with, because though it may feel "self helpy" it has been really insightful for me. I'm finding positive experiences in it and able to set new goals that are realistic, manageable, and not over whelming. I'm interested to see what will come out of my examination of my post WLS life!
I've been able to find through this journey towards clarity that I am in a place where it is uncomfortable because I'm living in uncertainty. Therapist would say this is ok, but humans don't usually like it. I'm finding clarity in knowing that I live in a great deal of certainty when I actually examined my life. I live in a place I love - the city of Fort Worth is ideal to me. It is the place in the world that I became myself and this feels like my city in so many ways. I work at a place I love. I adore TCU and I'm blessed beyond words to work at a place that I share so many core values and feel supported beyond measure. I am able to be healthy, living a life that can only get better. So when I think of living in discomfort there are small portions of my life that I feel are discomfort. For me there are 3 things that I need to address and are my own goals to accomplish within the next year: 1) create our home - apt, house, our space 2) feel financially stable - move toward the baby steps with Ramsey, and work paying down debt and 3) connecting and creating three separate areas - my friends, our friends, and his friends. I think these three areas are truly key in placing roots and making comfortable life that we can grow into. Instead of removing distraction, I'm moving through it and handling it - though uncomfortable in some areas they are necessary as we start year 4 of our marriage in a town that is ours!
For me I really feel that in combination of house and home that creating friendships are key to building a life...I've been able to start that process with re-connecting with great people at work and I can't wait to continue those new relationships and make new friends. In conjunction with that I need to start living the life of who I am and not denying myself my essentials...so after talking to my dear friend and my husband I'm making plans to go visit her in Bahrain when she moves abroad in the next three years and I'm making it a priority to travel to see friends as well. This is part of me and I need to get back to it. Now...I just have to fund the big trip to the middle east! So excited.
Clarity can come in many forms, but it is a process piece by piece. You may think that these kind of topics aren't related to WLS, but I want to share with you all that this conversations, these thoughts, and all the items that I'm going through is because I was willing to change, be vulnerable, and open myself up to so many new things. These are a direct effect of the surgery - many of the effects I never imagined that weight could stretch so far into my life...who knew!