There is a ton of stressers in my life right now. Between work (which would equal the beginning of 2 months of straight training), school (which equals the beginning of a new class), and life (which is more personal stuff rather than specifics) my world is filled with stressors. The old me wants to eat. I want to sit on the couch and gorge myself with food. I want to lose my problems in a gallon of ice cream or stuff my face with pizza and french fries. I want to be able to wallow in those old feelings where for a short time food made it all better. Food didn't judge me or hate me or let me down. Food just is and was....but I can't do that. I can't sit down and wallow in food and even if I could I would make myself so sick that I would regret it. I don't live to regret anymore...I live.
Stress is horrible. I hate stress and I hate what stress does to me. I hate that stress is the opening to the flood gates of my anxiety and I hate that being stressed makes me hungry!!!! I want to be one of those people that can't eat when I'm stressed, but nevertheless I am not. I am blessed with the "food makes it all better" gene and now my teenie tiny tummy can't make me feel better. I can only make me feel better. I wish I could run and hide from the stress and the anxiety is building, but there is stuff to be done. Today I will lose myself in new students and advise with a smile on my face (because I'm so lucky to love what I do) and tonight I will finish up my discussion for school and work on my paper due this week (why, because I love learning about education), but somewhere in there I will take a break and breathe and pray that there are answers coming and knowing that I'm not seeing them...it is just stress and though its here to stay in this economy and I hate it - it is merely part of the life and not my whole life.
I'm going to look forward to the future and plan plan plan for a better day. I'm going to relish in what I do have which are the basics and the time to spend with my husband that I love. I'm going to cherish the memories I can make without spending money, and I'm going to enjoy the person that I want to become....I'm going to be ok....I'm just stressed (TODAY!)
I am very proud of you for not losing yourself in food anymore. Things will get better, and know you can call me anytime to vent! I miss you tons and am so proud of the fact that you realize that your still struggling with the old mindset and are not letting that get in the way of the new healthy you!
ReplyDelete