a big decision

i saw my doctor friday to get everything in order for the surgeon. i have a very long list of blood test that are required, so monday i head off to have how knows how many tubes taken from me by the "vampires!" my doctor looked over my records, took a copy of my weight history that i had to give to Vanderbilt, and i paid to have my bariatric letter sent to the surgeon. i got word that my doctor's records from Maryland will be there via fax next week and i should be able to pick up my 5 year weight history for July 1st for the surgical meeting. she started to officially document my weight for 6 months of dieting by doctor. since i'm now officially diabetic i will be following the diabetic diet complete with blood testing twice a day, increased my metaformin, and i'm off to diabetic educational class this coming saturday to figure out what all of this means. the exercise i've been doing has been doing 1 major thing keeping my blood pressure down. It was 122/70 yesterday and i continue to be stoked about that.

as i was at the doctor's yesterday i was weighed. i weighed in at 291. i was taken a back. i haven't been 291 since high school early days and i'm terrified of being 300. i refuse to join the 300 Club. i came home in tears friday to by husband because i just can't be 300. its not something i want nor is it something that need to be. i'm already starting to feel things that my weight causes and the last thing i need is the mental stress of 300 lbs. so here i go on my diabetic diet with gusto! i will be checking in with dr. H over the next 6 months following her protocols so we can get it squared away with the insurance!!!

this all leads me to the BIG DECISION...dr. H had a very frank talk with me yesterday on my choice of surgeries. as you know i' went into this doctors appt feeling good about the lap band, but i left the appt feeling confused and directed differently. my doctor had WLS in march. she had what is known as the gastric sleeve. check out information on that here http://www.yourbariatricsurgeryguide.com/gastric-sleeve/

since march she has lost 42 lbs. she went in as a diabetic and when she left the hospital she was no longer a diabetic that needed insulin or metaformin.the sleeve has amazing findings, but the sleeve is a) the one surgery that is not reversible and b) not covered by my insurance. it is not an option for me. she did however discuss my choice of surgeons with me and Dr. Clement is supposed to be everything he lives up to be. he has worked with many women with PCOS, heads over the bariatric centers of TN, and comes with an amazing reputation. here is where she turns her head frankly and had the honest convo with me.

she told me that if i was going to go with Dr. Clement be prepared to do the work (she wasn't worried with me about this) but she also wanted me to realize that going lap band can hurt my chances of loosing the weight and keeping it off. Dr. C himself said it only works 50% in women with PCOS, and Dr. H agrees. As a fellow bariatric patient she told me she only had one shot at doing it right. She told me that i have one shot to make this count. She told me the realization that within 6 months of surgery i'll be down from 50 to 75 lbs and the amount of my medicine will be halfed or 3/4 gone and that i will be healthier...with the lapband it will take a year.

she knows i've struggled with weight. she knows after the last year that i've struggled with going to doctor after doctor to diagnose why my weight isn't going anywhere and she with kindness told me that this is a go moment not a moment to freak. she is right. i know that both Dr. C and Dr. H are right. i need to make a choice on the full gastric bypass. i need to make this step to be healthy for me.

my fear is cutting my stomach. my fear is a forever change that is reversible if needed, but i'm scared. this is not the easy way out of loosing weight this is a lofty decision. i know myself well enough to know that i've made up my mind and will follow the research, the guidance, and the word of amazing docs, but having full gastric bypass is scary to me still. i have had good friends go through it and they look amazing, but i've also seen the struggle of wanting to be yourself and live your old life with a new stomach. i'm committed to this. i'm committed to being well. i'm committed to seeing myself as my husband sees me. i'm committed to being healthy for me, my husband, and for my kiddos that i work with. i'm just being normal for once and being scared.

two weeks till surgical appt. two weeks to wait and think.