Sunday, January 20, 2013

Can I be Comfortable Working Out?

I've worked on a college campus since 2004. Each and every school I've worked out has provided me the opportunity to have access to a gym - a place to work out. Each and every time I have attempted to work out at the gym with my Each time I hated working out with students and feeling self conscious of the weight I had on me. At first it was the weight - over 350 lbs and working out with young, agile, aggressive students who were athletes, working on their bodies, and working out like crazy. I wish that I could of felt okay with working out next to them, but I couldn't. I tried working out with just co-workers, but that too made me feel vulnerable, unhealthy, and not at all in shape. So I would start and would stop. I would try again and feel the same way.

I made a good effort to get lost in the crowd while working at MTSU - with 26,000 students how could I feel self conscious with all those people. I went to some group exercise classes with my students, walked around the track with them, and even attempted to do some of the exercise machine work out too, but fit. So again I tried and I stopped. After I had WLS and was MTSU I attempted to go to a bariatric center to work out with a trainer that worked especially with patients post op, but here I was again the only fat one in the room. I felt self conscious and here I was with WLS patients, but I wasn't with the new post ops, I happened to have to work out with those that were 4 to 5 years out and were way past me trying to learn to walk on a treadmill. I was defeated. I was not motivated. I felt left out again.

 I moved to TCU and began to work out in the Rec Center. I tried to go when there weren't alot of students, but all my insecurities came back from being the fat smart girl in college when I didn't even go to the Rec because really a fat girl wouldn't work out next to the body conscious beauties that were small...super tiny...sweating with their make up on and their perfectly coordinated outfits. I watched the new Rec center being built - I helped pay for it and when I came back to work at TCU I thought I'm fitter, I'm way thinner, I'm able to work out would be convenient...and then I went. I felt the same way I did back in college. I wasn't 400 lbs now but man did I feel like it. I wasn't perfectly fitted in my designer outfits and wearing the "in" thing and I was totally intimidated between two young ones running 1000 miles an hour on the elliptical and here I am trying to figure out how to turn it on!

I gave it the good college try off an on for 8 months. I didn't fit. If I didn't fit and I felt horrible every time I went to the gym, I wasn't going to go and  I wasn't going to get what I I began to walk and walk alot around campus. That made me feel good and I increased my mobility. I walked and felt good. Walking was safe. No one really noticed and I felt comfy. I continue to walk at minimum 10 min a day, but I get out and I move in the middle of the day. In the winter I started adding strength training, but I knew that I needed consistent cardio. I needed a place with no TCU student....or students of any kind. I wanted to go to work out and feel like it was my place. I needed to be OK with trying to work out if I was going to be successful at it.

So I signed up for planet fitness at only 10 a month it was truly the same deal I was paying to be uncomfortable at school and it was more convenient. I went in to day to try it out and finish signing up. It was a great place, no judgement, it felt comfortable and I was OK with sweating, not being pretty, trying to figure out how to work machines and not feeling pressured to be pretty while working out. I left today actually trying a new machine, felt the burn on the bike, and felt like I can come back tomorrow and be ok with it. So can I be comfortable working out? I will. I can. I am going to be because I need this for me. Not for the little TCU girls I went to school with or the horrible self image that I used to have...I'm doing this for me to feel good, to be healthy, to meet my goals!

ignore the saboteurs too!

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