Monday, October 15, 2012

My Sweet Baby B

Today is October 15th and for me it is a special day of rememberance. Did you know what a day of celebration? Well it is a day to celebrate because today I am taking a moment to remember My Sweet Baby B who is my angel that isn't with us.

I had a miscarriage in August of 2009. Our baby was conceived as a miracle. Truly because I was told that I would never ever be able to get pregnant at all. I had been told this since I was 16 and with my PCOS, obesity, and other complications pregnancy wasn't ever going to be an option. I got married in June of 2009 and moved to TN. I know that this was definitely a honeymoon baby and a baby that would change my life and my husbands.

Since there was no chance of me ever getting pregnant when certain signs arose we attributed them to being at a new job, moving over 1200 miles, unpacking, being newlyweds, and dealing with this massive infection I had picked up. I had gotten a staff infection on both of my legs from shaving. Can I tell you how long of a summer it was to have to electric shave...but I digress. When I went to the ER with this issue they had to put me on massive antibiotics and creams and ofcourse I'm allergic to the good ones so I took medicine for about 3 weeks. The MRSA went away but the vomiting, sickness all day, and drinking a bottlle of pepto didn't. I craved mashed potatos ALOT but again when I was 300 + lbs eating a huge serving of potatos wasn't odd, but some things started to add up and on a whim we took a pregnancy test. The test wasn't clear, but it didn't say no. I was nervous and I was excited...I was scared.

I went to the doctor on August 16th and found out that yes I was pregnant but I was in the midst of a miscarriage. The miscarriage had already started and they were going to allow my body to do what my body was meant to do. I was losing a baby I didn't know...didn't know of...didn't get a chance to know. The baby was gone before I even know that this little angel was inside of me! I was devastated.

There was no direct cause for the miscarriage. My doctor thought it might have been the heavy level of antibiotics or it could have been that the baby needed to be with Jesus. I don't dwell on the reason anymore. I dwell on the gift that I got to become pregnant and feel like a full woman. I was a mother albeit for a little over 7 weeks most likely, but a mother regardless. My husband and I created a little one out of pure love and our angel is in heaven.

I like to think that my Nanny is watching over Baby B. I imagine her rocking my angel to sleep and keeping her safe. I didn't now if Baby B was a boy or girl. I have no place to go and mourn the loss of my little one, but in my heart I think fondly of my baby, my angel, my miracle. August is always a hard month for me as I lost my Nanny during that time, but I also sent Baby B to heaven as well.

The loss wasn't easy to handle for either myself or my husband. The loss was something that hurts and still hurts in some ways, but it helps for me to talk about it. I learned alot about myself and about our love through Baby B and though it isn't a lot I have a puzzle piece you might often see me wear. Everyone thinks it is for autism awareness, but it is our "missing piece" engraved on the back is Baby B.

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