Monday, June 18, 2012

People's Perceptions of Me

I've honestly never asked any of my close friends what they thought of me fat and what they now think of me now because it is a mute point. I'm Lissa and they love me for me - all that I am no matter the size. I've asked my husband, but that is because he is my husband and he knows that I ponder these things especially as I've transitioned from large and in charge to meak and medium I've had issues with my body (hanging skin and all). Again he loves me for me no matter that size. He wouldn't change me no matter what size I was and he loves me and accepts me now just as he did prior to the WLS, but I am never surprised that sometimes yes sometimes people's perceptions of me prior to WLS and now come up an they shock me. This happened last night and I'm still taken a back by it.

When I look at my life prior to WLS and post WLS I see two things: body size (physical) and health/feeling (physical/emotional). I have never examined myself on the level that others have and though you all know I am super over-analytical on myself this just isn't the case in this issue. Why? I don't know other than I've never done it. See before WLS I was loud, bubbly, outgoing, smart, funny, and LARGE. I had opinions, friends, traveled, and did almost everything I do now. After WLS I'm still loud, bubbly, outgoing, smart, funny, and I'm SMALLER physically and I do still have friends, travel, and there are some new things that I like to do like be outside on a day that its 70 degree, cross my legs, sit indian style, and shop - oh i love to shop, but ultimately I'm the same Lissa in a smaller package.

It was brought to my attention last night that WLS should of changed me more. I should have more confidence. I should have a completely new life. I should feel better about myself and it was made to seem that my life before WLS wasn't full. It was. It was my life and I never let size stop me. I was just me ... Large...but I was me. I studied abroad in college at a size 28 and 400+ lbs. I lugged my body and luggage all over middle europe in the hot Budapest sun! I swam with glowing algea in Puerto Rico when I was 350 lbs and enjoyed every minute of it and heck I even drug myself up a muddy cliff in Peru weighing in well over 400 lbs and cried because I did it! I lived a hugely full life and now I'm just able to do all that and more easier! My weight never stopped me from going to a concert, sitting in a booth, waiting in line for a movie - I may have been uncomfortable but I did it!!!! I live my life..loud! Ask any of my friends...this is just me.

Now that I'm 188 lbs my life is easier in some ways and harder in others. I still live the same life (more toned down now that I'm 30 and married but crazy nonetheless). I'm the same person but I'm healthier. I'm not sick all the time. I don't ache. I don't cry about my weight. I don't hate to shop. I feel normal. I am normal. I'm just me in a Size 14-16 bottoms and a L/XL top. I eat till I'm full and don't overeat. I buy clothes that fit not a particular size. I still love to swim and have a bathing suit - saggy skin and all. I'm still me. I am just healthier. The perceptions I have of myself are ones that I've taken a long time to adopt because they are mine.

This got me thinking back to high school and the mean words that were often said underbreath and to me directly. I'm no longer a shamu. I'm not a wide load. I'm no longer an "obese" princess. I'm not a huge femi-nazi. I'm still the funny and smart girl, but I've lost most of the fat! Ironically so many people missed out on me...the things that make me unique cause I didn't fit their framework of beauty - but now people see it....all of it...weird how things change.

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