Tuesday, January 18, 2011

rough days

I went to check in with my therapist on monday and I got a really great report! She was really proud of me for making "plan b's" for when i bored eat or if i have a craving, made sure that i had found a good system of support, and was dealing with new food, new meds, new life....overall it was really positive and accompanied by my lowered anxiety medicine i've been moved to 2 x a month! a huge success for me!

one of the things that came out of the sessions that i had not noticed was my how i am looking at my life change. dr. brynda said that most people that have WLS examine life in the idea that once the weight comes off that their world will be better and everything will magically be "ok!" but i'm not like that (and i'm glad she pointed it out). she was really surprised that i'm taking the road of this is my new life and i'm taking the opportunity to change things for the better in my life and not just my weight and health but i'm making a conscious choice to work on my communication in my marriage, my organization in my life, being more financially stable, working towards dreams and goals, and living a healthy and active life that i want. when we were talking about all of this a lot of things began to click for me.

when i started on this journey i looked at this new opportunity as a new life completely. i didn't want to take things into my new life with me that i didn't want. so in about mid october i started getting rid of things. i got rid of physical things like "fat clothes" and things i haven't touched in years and don't want to move one more time. i got rid of books and a ton of paper that i kept moving and moving. my husband and i went through things and tossed things that we had as a single that we haven't used the year and half we had been married. i cleaned up and organized the house from top to bottom from kitchen to craft room and even cleaned out the dreaded medical closet of this and that cold drugs from over the years. i got rid of dead weight and felt pretty good about that. i also looked into my life and saw behaviors and things that weren't my favorite of myself and went through and started to make changes. I made sure I was doing good things for my mental health and putting it first. I made sure that I started examining my eating behaviors and made changes for months before so that now that i'm post-surgery i'm so glad i don't have to make.

i pretty much feel like i cleaned up my life and enter 2011 with a new positive outlook. i know that i can make conscious choices to change things. i realize now that things are a process and that it can't happen over night. i'm always reminded that " i didn't gain the weight overnight and i'm not going to loose it overnight" by my surgeon and that piece of advice has radically impacted my thinking on so many levels. i can't expect to get out of debt in 2 months. i can only make the plan stick to it and over time it will go away just like the weight. i can't expect to organize the whole house in a weekend, but i can take a room and/ or a system that needs organizing and get that done in a weekend. yes, this means i have a constant to do list, but i feel like i'm actually doing more by thinking this way. ironically this is how i think at work and in my work. i look at a timeline, create a list, look at objectives, set deadlines, organize myself, and get to work moving along as i'm going. voile! i'm brining home the practices of work into my home life and i have never been LESS anxious!

i've also realized that i need to be put first. there are 5 basic things i need to do daily for me to make myself a better and healthy person. 1. i must get the proper amount of sleep 2. i need to take my meds 3. i need to follow my schedule for my vitamins properly to stay healthy 4. i need to eat the right foods and type of foods to make me feel good and 5. i have to exercise at least 5 days a week for the rest of my life to make myself a better person.

if i can do these 5 things than i am loving myself. if i am loving myself than i can love others and i can do other things to enhance my life like school, and crafts, and friends, and traveling. i have to make myself and what i want a priority and go for it. i then in the end will feel better. i will do better things and i will love my job more because i'm doing more for everyone and everything by doing more for myself. i'm finally working smarter not harder in my own life. that is empowerment that i truly love...and i'm so glad after 7 years i've gotten here in both my professional and personal life. now to just keep it up.

today has been a rough one for me on the bariatric front. i'm exhausted. i'm sore and i'm itching because my incisions are healing. i slept a ton and i needed sleep. i'm staying at home today playing the "house wife" and finishing up folding towels, putting together my new mr. ice tea maker, and will eventually sit down to organize the medical bills this month. the day in the life of a temporary housewife! food has been going down easier today. yesterday i felt like food wasn't going anywhere and i felt miserable, but today its down, i'm full, i've got my protein and now i've just got to get my meds in. i've switched from crushing all my meds to chopping them up in slices and only having to take the capsules in apple sauce. much easier on me...and i can plan ahead in the long run. much needed.

i'm going to leave it today on that note. hopefully the rest of the day will look up and be brighter. i think more sleep and pain meds are on the horizon.

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