Wednesday, December 8, 2010

32 days and Counting

Hello blog friends!

The countdown has begun. Things are moving more quickly now and I'm savoring every moment I can. I feel as if there will be this split happening soon. There will be my old life and a new life. So many weight loss patients feel this way and I too am finding that I am getting those feelings as well, but what I'm so excited about is the feeling of hope. To me lately it is almost like the feeling of pure faith as a child believing and knowing that Santa was bringing you a present. The sense of hope is a warm feeling knowing that I'm getting a present of a long and health life. That is such a relief and happiness.

I've been going through a lot of stuff lately and it has not been easy balancing preparing for a surgery, work, having a bad bout of depression, and huge medicine changes related to my anxiety, but I know I have this goal of Jan 10th to make it to. I know that there is an end in sight to all the bad news from doctors and the kinda blah self image I'm having lately looking at myself knowing that I am not at my best. The holidays and the fall are always hard for me, this year has been easier yet more trying at the same time. It has been one of deep reflection. I don't know how someone could be going to change their body and not reflect! There is so much to think about.

I've spent agonizing over hurt from the past to work through it and put it away. I don't want to take it on my future journey. To dig through the stuff of long ago is not pretty at all. To have to relive being made fun of, hurtful words, and sucky times when I felt that my weight was the cause of not having a boyfriend, or hearing a good friend telling me "I didn't deserve my first kiss because I was a fat girl," and knowing that being fat was something that cut me off of a lust or love list...not everyone can handle curvy girls. I recognize that I had so many walls up to protect myself and they presented themselves as feminism in a mean form, keeping people far from me while keeping them close, and living with the notion that I was always a "friend" and never the girlfriend to lots of my guy friends I had crushes on. I kind of wish I could see one of those guys. A highschool love that made my heart pitter pat that I not only thought was hella sexy, but someone who challenged me as an artist, as an intellectual, and as a person....but I haven't seen him in almost 11 years. No one knows what happened to him. We graduated and poof!

I then think of lost loves that were lost to me, but not to the other person. I wonder if I was thinner what would have happened, but I quickly shake that off because well I really don't have to worry about that hurt anymore. It is boxed up with a bow because none of that matters. I am married to the love of my life and he married me...300 lb old me! Yet, I'm drawn to those past fantasies from reminicising of what could have been and how I would of not liked the person I would of become if I ended up with Jason...or Mike...or goodness Will. I love the person I am much as I can love me. It is something I've been working on.

I read over my blog the other day and I feel like I haven't really spoken about how I've grown to love me. I love myself enough to put my health at the forethought of my mind and make a difference. I love myself to have WLS. I love myself enough to allow myself to dream about cute clothes and the most important dress I will ever wear. I also love myself enough to at least like certain features like the one side of my hair that never stays straight because I tuck it behind my left ear or the way I love classic pearls with everything. I have a thing for having my nails done and usually in french tips because they look more "grown up" and I enjoy laying in bed giggling and talking to my love. I heart walking around Walmart at 2 am and yes I still dance around my room while I'm getting dressed (when my husband isn't home.) I've started to love me. I don't take myself so seriously and I actually can catch myself when I stress myself out and strange. I know when I'm in workaholic mode and I allow it to happen for a day or two, but there is no better place than in my sanctuary with candles a glow, relaxed, and doing crafts with my hands.

I know who in my life really cares for me. This year has been one where I have hermited myself away from many and healed and cared for me...myself...for once. I know who cares about me when I hurt and cry and need an ear. I have found that old friends can be good aquaintances and that you can re-connect. I miss my mom and know its because I'm going through a big change, but can't bring myself to send her a note. I'm rebuilding my now. I'm building a future ... with unique moments and quirks.

I enjoy the simple things. You learn to enjoy them when there isn't many happy things going least I have had to. I love the smell of a fresh candle or watching a little girl twirl in the store in a new dress. I like the feeling of carpet under my toes after a pedicure and I love love love a hot shower with all my smelly girl products. Saturday afternoon naps after sleeping in fulfill my soul some days and then there are days that I cuddle up and never leave Justin's side. It is my slice of paradise. It will be getting sweeter.

Maybe this won't mean much...but hopefully when I'm having a rough day in a month or so down the road I can look back and know I'm having surgery for me. I'm changing my life!

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