Monday, August 9, 2010

A Heavy Subject

I am not an outdoor person and I am definitely not one that would be considered an outdoor active adventurer type. Honestly between my asthma/allergies as a child and my dislike of heat being outside is just not my cup of tea. I rarely like to do things outside and my secret is actually pretty obvious, yet no one ever mentions it. My weight is a huge reason I don't like to be outside or be active in an outdoor setting. The only real thing I actually like to do outdoors is swim, going to the beach, laying around the lake sort of thing. I don't like how I look in a swimsuit, but I can manage it since I love the water.

My weight makes me self conscious. I don't want to run and jiggle. I can't walk stairs without huffing and puffing. I can't keep up with others when they are walking too fast or even a mild jog. I'm scared to really do something outdoors and risk hurting myself because its one thing to fall when you are normal size, but when you are over sized its a much heavier issue. There is also the fact that my weight prevents my joints and back from feeling okay with that much exertion. It isn't that I don't want to be active, its that it hurts and I'm totally embarrassed.

I hate being ashamed of my body and my body type. It is an issue that most women feel, but the difference between a smaller person and a bigger person is the perception of others that you end of feeling and absorbing. I have been struggling with this for years and it is a continued work in process. I'm not at a point where I am comfortable with my body. I am not even at a point where I like the way I look, but I am on a path to making those things possible. I am willing to work both mentally and physically to make me feel good about myself and love myself. I love myself enough to go through this process and to admit my real feelings to the world.

It is hard for me to admit how I feel about my body. It is hard for me to tell my husband how I feel and even my doctors, but I am admitting it to myself. I am admitting it to the world. I am realizing the myths about people that are overweight aren't myths they are really truth to all of them in some way or another, but the assumptions that others make of us are hard for us to digest.

Contrary to popular opinion I do not sit around eating bon bons all day. I eat a pretty rigorous diet that is strict and is not easy. I do not get to eat and eat and eat till I can't eat anymore, but I have to stick to small portion sizes. I take medicine to manage systems in my body that are not working correctly. They do not work correctly because I am just overweight, but there are other issues behind this large set of skin I wear. It isn't true that I sit around all the time and watch tv and do nothing. I live a fairly active life, but it is a reality that I hurt to move and exercise isn't fun. Exercise in a gym next to small skinny individual is intimidating. It isn't comfortable and it is not motivating at all.

I think I am a beautiful person, but don't tell me I would be pretty if I only lost the weight. I don't judge my worth or my beauty by the folds of skin or my stretch marks. I judge myself by what is inside. Don't tell me that I need to work out more or that I need to eat less. The issue isn't that I'm not working out enough there are medical issues that are serious that effect the systems that allow you to actually loose weight. Trust me I'm more frustrated than you may know, but I'm over joyed when I loose a pound and not gain. This is a cruel reality and its harsh, but it is honest.

One thing that truly bugs me about all of the weight issues that I deal with is I don't know how people walk by and don't notice or take note of us who are heavy. We are invisible except when jokes are made. We are overlooked when people are dating. We are sent away like an outcast even though we are bigger. Society isn't to blame totally. Each individual obese person isn't to blame individually. There are a lot of variables that effect each person and each are individuals, but we don't want to be overlooked. We want to be normal as possible, because we didn't choose this. This is what we are and who we are.

1 comment:

  1. Girl, I have tremendous respect for you. It's not easy to freely admit all of is a harsh reality, but it is the truth for many people. I think you're an amazing person & you're surrounded by lots of people that are supportive of you & only want the best for you, myself included. I think you deserve a big, "You go girl!" :D