Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Feeling It....Icky, Ugh, and Good all at the same time!

After a reasonable amount of days on full protein push, I did not eat protein like I usually do for dinner last night and boy did I feel it. I felt sluggish, heavy stomached, and boy did I feel blah and sick to my tummy. My hard headedness will get me nowhere - here is motivation to stay true to protein. Yep, after 2 hours laying on my heating pad, I don't need to go back there and it sure won't help my weight loss push so I'm sorry pizza, my relationship will you will have to be very sporadic if not at all. I will miss you, but I will love my new wardrobe and better chloesterol more! It's been a love hate relationship and its time to break up! Giggles...that did feel better even if it is super silly!

Day two of the lowering of my anxiety medication and boy did I feel it yesterday! I was light headed, my eyes hurt, my head ached, and I felt blah and a little anxious (though I couldn't tell if that was coming off the meds or me being anxious about coming off the meds). This transition may be a little harder than I estimated, but I've done this before just not at this level. I can do this and I will be using my "tool box" heavily over the next few weeks. Looks like my hands will be crocheting madly! Any one need a baby blanket? I am glad that I can realize what my body is going through and I'm really happy to be at this stage in my life. This has been over 5 years in the works and I know I can do it, it is just a change and that I need to get through. I've told my hubs alot lately...so this is what "normal" feels like! Last night we were joking and I told him that even though I'm not an adrenaline junky, but as close as I'm going to get to being one is living life without meds! I just know my therapist would giggle right with me![ please don't be offended by this statement - i draw humor from my life and i'm very proud to have been a medicated mental health patient - if you don't understand why this is humorous please ask and don't assume ]

I am also feeling good despite these new changes. Last night I got my hair cut. I cried as I got some of my locks chopped off and some little layers put in my hair, but the tears were shedding of me not feeling good about me. I love love love my hair dresser and Brooklyn is so understanding. She told me that is was going to be ok, reassured me that I'm doing everything I can from the hair side of things and that the biotine will kick in. She told me that cutting it will help in the short run and that don't worry it will all grow back in and be beautiful. I needed to hear that from my expert! I have to hold off on dying it for a bit, but that is ok. I can deal with a few grays to feel good about myself overall and I felt great this morning washing my hair and not pulling out chunks of hair!!!! Talk about self esteem booster :-)

I am also feeling good because I've hit a point of realization. I've been talking about identity alot and I've realized where I stand on the identity piece so here it is. I am proud of who I am and all that I am. I like my transparant life and being open about my life and I enjoy advocating for things that I am passionate about - especially mental illness and now WLS. That being said I'm going to be me always. It has taken me too too long to be ok with myself and all of myself even as I shrink. So here I am, but what I'm not going to do is to allow people to rain on my parade. My blog is my place to work stuff out. If others don't want to read about my journey, then that is ok, but for right here this is my spot and a safe place for me to identify and work through this WLS body. So how does this translate to my life? Well I'm still going to be me, but I'm only going to share minmal stuff with others who may not want to hear about my WLS. I don't feel like I am hiding and I don't feel like I'm not being true to me, but I'm going to allow my celebrations to be mine and shared with those who will appreciate them.

My hope is that one day more of the world can cheer along with WLS patients. I hope that one day that others will not be weirded out with our no soda drinking, special ordering at restaurants, and realize that the little things mean the biggest to us. My hope is one day that others won't think that WLS was the easy way out and see the benefits of a very healthy and happy life because of the WLS, but that is not my road to carry alone. I am proud to be me and I will proudly advocate and explain WLS when needed. I will not be embarrassed about ordering special. I will not have my joy taken from me because I bought a smaller dress, road a bike, or fit into a seat. I will celebrate those things because I have waited forever to feel these things...I will find a new balance.

If anyone who reads this learns anything from it, my hope is that you will be able to say that I knew someone that took the WLS journey and here are some of the things that she faced and that I hope I face them with grace and poise. I hope that I have been able to educate others and that knowledge will be power for others. That is my hope...my passion...I'm a "loser" and proud of it!

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