Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Finding My Way

One of my friends posted to me after my "falling off the diet wagon" last week that she was proud of me for not berating myself and allowing myself to have a fresh start. Despite waking up to a rainy and icky day, I was thinking about this and realized that I've been berating myself over my own anxiety. Part of the WLS journey was to change my life and it has, but somehow I neglected to prepare myself for the changing of my anxiety if you will. I know that since I've been feeling better I have not been as anxious and it is something that I didn't focus on because there was no need, but here it is in front of me and now I must tackle it.

So what am I going to do? Am I going to let it win...or am I going to win? I haven't come this far to allow the anxiety monster to win and I sure am not going to go down without a fight. I don't want to dissapoint myself and I don't want to allow something to win when I can make it through this. My husband reminded me last night that I've been through worse and that "we" have been through worse and allowing this to get the best of me, won't help anything. It also won't be productive to berate myself and not treat myself well because of worry or my brain not wanting to do what I need it to. So new day...new resolve...new plan.

I'm allowing myself to get back to the basics:
1. "Lissa" don't do more than you can handle - aka don't stretch yourself too thin
2. make a to do list that is reasonable everyday and work towards getting that list done
3. be realistic about yourself becaue you are not super woman even if you feel better now
4. don't worry about things (as much as humanly possible) - do all you can do and let it go
5. quiet my mind before i go to bed and allow all of those worries to leave my brain before i hit the pillow
6. journal out my thoughts
7. stick to the plan - aka work your diet and take your supplements
8. remember to delegate
9. stop and take a deep breath - make sure to take your lunch break and eat
10. realize that this is nothing new, just a new version of myself dealing with an old issue (we got this!)

Silly as it is, I need to write stuff down like that. I need to read it and know that I do have this all together and that I can do it. Sometimes in the midst of the anxiety I can't see through I can't see past my nose and I hate that. I need to be able to stop, breathe, take inventory of where I am at, what I know to be true, and to do only what I can handle.

I am finding that finding my path is a hard place to be. There are days that it is easy and there are days that it is not, but I have to keep trying. My new path is foggy. I don't know where it is going, but I do feel the stepping stones under my feet. I know that I have footing. I know that I am grounded, but sometimes the fog rises up so far that I don't see and then I get lost. I don't like feeling lost. Being lost is part of the life prior to WLS and now I don't like feeling that way because WLS has been a cleansing if you will. I like the cleaner, leaner me...more than anyone even realizes.

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