So what does this all mean? Well since I'm an open and transparent blogger, person, and friend it means that I don't feel good - I'm emotionally tired; I don't feel good - my body isn't handling stress well so I get annoyed very easily; I'm not motivated - so it is a challenge to watch my food intake, exercise/ be active at all, take my meds and vitamins on time; I'm sleepy because depression wants to win and some days I'm letting it and other days I conquer it; and I'm not the same "lissa" everyone expects. I'm not this bubbly upbeat optimistic all the time person right now and I know where all of this is stemming from.
There have been some clear cut "stressors" over the last 7 months that include February, MArch, April, May...May (yep its there twice), June, and now July. In these months there have been some HUGE things that happened that I don't want to go into full detail with but they have been life rocking events. These events have challenged my sanity and my anxiety/depression, they have challenged my WLS and the process with regain and unknown medical issues, they have challenged my marriage, my security, and my overall feeling of life. So I'm guarded - very guarded. I'm so guarded that I question friendship that I need. I'm guarded enough to let things bother me that shouldn't like my sister asking for crafting help, or wanting to go out with my lovely sorority sisters, or even the fact that there are days it takes everything to go to work because depression doesn't want to. I go on.
Sometimes I feel me pushing through doesn't make it easier - I know it is the right thing to do and what needs to be done. I'm not in danger and don't want anyone to think of it when they read this post - because I'm watched carefully by doctors, I take care of my mental health, and if I need it I ask for it - but that doesn't mean a life of anxiety and depression with stressors is easy. It isn't. Right now I don't feel well. I feel depressed - the whole of me does. My doctor will say there is a reason for it so we know what it is - now how do we handle it. I wish I could say I'm the poster child for handling it well, but I'm not. Some days I go through the motions. Some days I do well. Yesterday wasn't one of them especially when I'm already at my wits end to be hit with another stressor.
Sure I re-frame the situation. I know that I don't have to grocery shop this week I've got a plan in my pantry and freezer. I don't have to worry about laundry thanks to paying ahead on my machines, but financial stress must be one of the worst next to medical stress that I've dealt with. First I hate money. I like what it does, but managing it - I hate. I know where this stems from - that lovely episode of identity fraud post college that ruined me when I was starting out (before the rules and regulations we have today) so the PTSD kicks in. I hate it I hate it I hate it, but the reality of it is I can hate it all I want I have to deal with it. Money brings out the worst in me and I know this as well so couple that with the last few months of my husband out of work, new job, transition for him and back bills - this is already a recipe for disaster in fixing something that was broken. Yes, I'm stressed.
I can re-frame my health since now we know the issue that I was having, getting back on track 100 % and switching diets, regimes, and exercise isn't as easy as poof yep back on track. Battling regain as a post WLS patient is shameful, but I know it wasn't all me - hello to the hell of the nuvaring. I can't let that control me so what do I do - I make a plan and I work to it. Sure I've gotten comments about my squat challenge and that "it isn't enough" or that me being accountable now is too late. To the haters - I say hate on...I've been compliant since 6 months pre surgery and honestly you all can hate. My hardwork and dedication to the plan, the pouch, the lifestyle has led me from 28W to L & XL normals at the local Walmart. Sure I might not be at my ideal weight 30 months post op, but I'm not obese anymore, I have an overweight BMI that I'm 20 lbs from being normal and you know what that is ok for me. So if you don't like my squat challenge and you think "I'm too little too late" I would encourage you to read my blog from day 1 - this is a hard process.
Marriage is stressful and I'm on year 4 - yep made it to year 4 not knowing how I did it. My marriage isn't perfect and there are days that I long for the perfect matched outfits, the clean house, being a 50's style traditional wife, a dog, and a financial plan where I am able to feel secure. Is this my reality? No....HELL No, but it is real. I want financial stability and I'm determined to find it through the rough months ahead I'm going for it. I'm pledging to do the dave ramsey approach and find financial freedom because I will not live like this any longer. I realize that it takes 2 to be married and I have to search myself post WLS self...to find out why I want to be married now versus pre surgery. I need to know the why now because love only gets you so far....that is my jaded self to think love can heal it all when I know it can't.
I thought WLS was hard work - marriage is harder. Marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done and I know that my longing for a church going family and Christ in my life again is part of the process...I need something and someone bigger than me to lean on. I need guidance and love, role models of positive marriage to help me through this hard time because I don't want to take the easy way out. I took a vow and love the man that I call my husband but it is all the stressors surrounding us that make this marriage dysfunctional. I don't think I would be a person to ask for marriage advice because obviously something went wrong but I don't know what! I know that I have to keep trying and work through it - but that doesn't make life easy...it makes life hard. I wish I had the picture perfect Duggar life, but again - that isn't my reality.
I don't want to fight about us. I don't want to stress about us. I don't want to yell and scream. I don't want my insecurities from my childhood to rear its head and yell and say things I shouldn't but that is wishes...reality it happens. I deal with the stress of that reality.
I know that all I can do from here is to try. To start over and be thankful that today is a new day....
No comments:
Post a Comment