Tuesday, June 25, 2013

The Many Faces of Me

Photo Collage of selfies since Jan 2013
30 months post op - 2 1/2 years living in this new body and living through life (outside of the WLS life). I realize that I have many faces and I'm enjoying seeing how my face alongside my body is changing. I smile more yes, but I always smiled alot - people notice it more now. I make goofy faces, but people seem to recognize it more now (unless you are a dear friend and saw all of those lovely college photos). I allow myself to be photographed no more now than I did when I was pre-op, but honestly my face is the mask for what is behind it.
I do have many faces but they will always be covered in a smile. I learned from a young age that if you do well, smile alot, and keep your nose out of trouble no one will ever know that anything is wrong! That is unless you really know me. I can tell you that there are only a handful of people that can pick up on the "tears behind the smile" face that I have and almost have a 6 sense about me. Those people ironically don't live near me - but I love each of you...and miss you more than you know. I realize alot that I'm more app to throw a smile, be goofy, or just keep my head down and throw myself into work, but I am in a slump.
I can't describe it any other way a slump...funk...not liking my life. Sure my life is far from perfect, but I have alot of what I worked for - but I want....crave...need more. The face that I present isn't perfect but unless you know some deep dark secrets of mine - you would never know that :
* Today I broke down at work and cried during lunch to the point that I had to shut my door and not take a phone call
* I feel extremely lonely and isolated...and I don't seem to be connecting very well outside of me these days
* I'm scared that my WLS messed up my marriage in ways I can't bare to speak of outloud
* I feel like I'm called to do something else than what I'm doing, but I also feel like I'm being taught something I don't want to learn - bullheadness versus wants and needs
So I'm still me and that isn't ever going to change...but don't be surprised if the face that smiles is also a face that is hiding its feelings....way deep down.


1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry to hear that you feel lonely and isolated, those two are some of the worst feelings to have. Especially if you have someone in your life.

    Writing/blogging always helps me, and I too have a mask of happiness that I wear on my face in public, at work, out with friends. It can be hard to put it down, butwhen you do - don't worry about it. Cry at your desk girl! Do it and let it out!

    I moved down to the US 4 years ago, and still 90% of my friends are my husbands friends, and I feel really isolated from my family and friends a lot. Its tough.

    I'm here reading, if that is of any small comfort. :)