Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Atleast when I was fat I knew who my friends were....

I had a thought last night as I was mourning the feeling of losing friendship that "atleast when I was fat I knew who my friends were...." and it is true. When your fat, overweight, obese - you end up knowing where you stand with people. It isn't as easy when you pass for normal. I always knew where I stood with people when I was fat. I knew clearly how they felt because for some reason being fat leads to clarity for others and allows yourself to be aware....become skinny and suddenly things aren't so clear.

I think for me there are two clear issues:
1) I take friendship very seriously (will go into detail in a moment)
2) There are 2 views of friendship for me pre WLS and post WLS

Taking friendship seriously is one of my faults. Yes, I take it seriously and I've been told that often times I take it too seriously but let me share why....I was the super fat, funny, smart kid - I wasn't ever the popular one so for me friendship is precious to me because there wasn't a lot of them.  The friends that I did make were friends that loved me inspite of my weight ...and loved me for who I am = Lissa. Those who didn't like me or made fun of me...well they've grown up and realize that life and people are more than their weight, but adolescent times were not easy.

Even through the last decade - I hold friendship dearly. I have a close group of friends and they happen to not live close enough in the physical sense, but are spread all over. I enjoy that and I love them because they are very diverse and interesting group of friends, but lately I feel like I've lost friends in the here and now. I won't go into all the details because they are really irrelevant to how I'm feeling - but the loss is hurtful...sad...and I feel not so great about it because the loss wasn't my choice. Regardless of choice - I'm sad. I miss them. I miss these friends that made the last year fun, happy, and exciting...but time marches on. I'm reminded that people come and go in your life for different reasons and those reasons are often unknown but enjoy the moments why you can because every interaction has purpose...meaning...potentional...impact.

There are 2 views of friendship for me pre WLS and post WLS; I truly believe that when your fat, overweight, obese - you end up knowing where you stand with people. Now I don't feel that I stand out for my weight, but I blend in. I stand out for other reasons...and I have plenty of faults that I don't want to list in nauseum because who honestly wants that recorded - but we all know we have them...it is just now that I don't have my weight to "hide" behind in some sense - everything is more out there. I'm more vulnerable and my brain has to make the change to a new sense of self, a new sense of reality of things, and a new sense of who I am and how I should interact with friends (their opinions....etc). This is something else that is just a new quirk in the change of life post WLS.

I've talked to WLS friends and I have found that they too feel they have lost friends. I've talked to married friends who say they lost friends due to marriage. I had WLS and marriage pretty close together and feel like the combo has been deadly, but more recently...I just feel not myself...and that there is something inherently wrong with me - or maybe it is perception/anxiety/depression/wls all rolled into one.

I do know a few things:
1) the friends I do have I cherish
2) the friends that have been in my life I cherish the memories I have had
3) I know there will be new friends
4) friends come and go as life changes and grows
5) I change...friends change...friendship changes
6) variables like marriage and WLS can impact friendships - but it is unique to each of us

I can choose to let the notion that "atleast when I was fat I knew who my friends were...." or I can live..I'm going to choose to live life to the fullest. That is why I had my WLS ...why I got married...why I travel...why I study...why I work in education....I am going to live my life to the fullest....but I guess for last night...for a moment (and maybe moments to come) that I can mourn those that I have loved, invested time in, and impacted my life even if they are no longer part of my life.


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