The last three months have had huge ups and downs. I haven't been the best blogger - I'll continue to write, but few I post publically. I don't know why I do that, I guess it is because I still process stuff by writing it out, but rarely do I feel comfortable being that vulnerable when I'm hurting. I was watching Forest Gump the other day and posted the above saying to facebook "Post Gastric Bypass Life is NOT a Box of Chocolates" because I was mentally fighting with my brain on head hunger, emotional hunger, hunger that wasn't there since my anxiety and emotions werer extremely high. Before surgery I would indulged myself to the max in baked goods, yummy things, chocolates, icecream to fill a whole in my life. Here I am now and I can't do that. I've fought for weeks to not indulge into bad things and my anxiety will raise its funny little head in other ways.
I'm bad really bad about biting my cuticals. So bad to the point of being bloody and I'll even do it in my sleep - its something I've done since I was little and I will go through stages where I'll bite and it isn't a pretty site. Usually I have my nails professionally done and that helps me from biting, but last week my anxiety was through the roof, my blood pressure was a mess, I looked like I was rolled over by a truck and I took to biting off my acryilcs. Not healthy - on me, my nails, or my teeth....but I haven't bitten my cuticals. Is it a win? Nope...transference. Something that I recognize and knew it somewhere in the back of my head as I was catching up to life....in all the wrong ways.
I'm not going to lie. My life right now is not roses. I'm anxious all the time and its been a rough rough 3 months. I'm praying alot. I'm crying alot. I'm taking alot of my meds for emergency stuff because my heart, my chest, my brain is not where it needs to be and I suffer through it. I'm so tired at the end of the day from the emotional baggage that is here right now...of the unknown of the tomorrow. I'm not in happy fun place - I'm in a place that I don't really enjoy and I'm not happy to admit it.
I've given up on some things and realized that I hurt like a mad woman on other things. Overall it isn't the best place I've ever been. I took four days off (2 work days + a weekend) and really took it off and took care of me, but alas back to the real world one has to go and when you come back alive it doesn't mean those issues are gone - they are still there. It is my job to make due and make it through.
I've realized that alot of the stuff that I'm hurting over might be small potatos to you...but they are a big deal to me. I'm mourning the loss of friendships that I thought was true yet were easy for others to throw away. I'm mourning the loss of a long ago friend that I really want to reconnect with but that isn't in the plan for right now. I'm missing my good close friends that have been with me for a ton of stuff...and know me just as Lissa...I don't have to explain the old stuff - they know it. I'm saddened by the reality that is life...my life...that I have a sick husband that I want better and don't know how to make better. I have anxiety that absorbs from others and the drama that is currently in the life of the family is not healthy for me. I'm giving up things that are making me sick and doing more of what is making me happy - but really what is that?
Again, I'm here..wondering what will make me happy? The question that seems to keep coming up where I can't answer it. Will it mean my husband is better? Will it mean drama gone? Will it mean 6 months of me hibernating to get over all this stuff? I don't know....but I do know that a box of chocolates might make my brain feel better right now...today....but Post Gastric Bypass Life is NOT a Box of Chocolates