Sunday, March 24, 2013

What's Going on with Lissa?

The last few months have been rough ones. There have been super highs and super lows. There have been moments of great joy and moments of sadness and heart break that I can't even put into words. I never realized how strong I was in this new body until life put me to the test. I have realized I'm not perfect, but I journey. I realize that I can fall and have fallen into bad habits, but I journey. I realize that I allow outside stress to dictate my feelings, and I continue to journey, but no matter the obstacle or the unpleasantness I'm still here. Yep, I'm still here.

I wrote a bit ago about re-designing my life and being at a crossroads. I'm a crossroads that feels there are 5 or 6 forks in the road. There are so many angles, places, or options and I'm standing here weighing options. Some deal with health, some deal with plastics, some deal with career, some deal with marriage, others deal with what will life hold for me. These are large decisions that I cannot and will not try to make over night but the weight of those with the weight of the world throwing things at me have left me stuck in a small regain that I haven't been able to shake since the diagnosis of RH last fall.

I want to reach goals in one hand to check things off my list, but there is more than that. I want to feel good. I want to have a healthy body, mind, spirit. I'm lacking in all of those right now as I have bogged down with carbs, slider foods, and little things that have slipped in. My mind is healing after dealing with trauma of a past episode that impacts my mental illness - that road will be eternal, but there is a plan in place to make me feel better and for my mind to relax, heal, and calm itself to allow me to be Lissa...the person everyone is used to seeing. My spirit is broken, but you would never know. I don't share the darkness or the sadness behind my mask. I gave up my masks years ago, but there is no other way for me to figure out how to deal with all that is going on without a mask, so with support I mask when I have to. I deal with it when I need to as I calm myself and figure things out.

I feel out of control yet in control. When I get like this I need order and yet life in some senses are in chaos. Order helps deal with the anxiety of the emotions. Order makes me feel that despite what I can't control there are a few things. So I've done some silly things...yes, I dyed my hair. I can control my hair color! I got a washer and dryer so that I don't have to lug my stuff to the laundromat, but there are some things I haven't controlled. I've allowed myself to eat things I know I shouldn't. I have allowed myself to emotionally eat instead of having a healthier outlet. I have allowed myself to skip a dose of vitamins here or there. That isn't me. I'm very dedicated to my WLS and the goals that set.

So tomorrow I push reset. I am not perfect. I am not ideal. I live the journey which holds the great, the good, the bad, the ugly. Everyone will praise you, but when few will stand by your side when you struggle. There will be people that point and call me a failure. There will be a few that don't like my changes or my reset, but this is my journey. I ask my friends to support me. To cheer me on because there are days where there is no happiness that I see. There are days when I feel like my tool is broken, but my mind doesn't realize it isn't. So I am going to reset.

I need to go back to the basics. I am going back to that tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to reset with the 5 day pouch test that is altered slightly to deal with my RH. I will continue to drink and meet my liquid goals, but I need to realize what my pouch can hold. I need to remind myself to drink before not during meals. I need to make sure to make healthy choices and say goodbye to the bad carbs that I do not need. The goal in this is two fold. 1 it will allow me to reset to go back to remember what my tool to do and 2 to allow me to gain regain control over my eating.

In addition to this reset my exercise routine needs the reset. I have let it go and even if I can't do large workouts with sugars up and down I can walk. To be healthy I need to move. I need to walk. I will walk for health. I'm taking back that control and working towards my 5K on May 18th. I've packed my tennis shoes and will walk for 30 min at lunch. I will head to the gym or do my gym workout at home. I will be able to concur this so that I am healthy, I am sane, and I feel like I'm controlling my life and not vice versa.

I want my life to be designed to be fulfilling and happy. There are many many good things happening in my life right now and I'm not allowing myself to enjoy them, embrace them, and enjoy life in this new body that needs fuel - health - sanity. I have a life that is wonderful, but I need to focus on the wonder and not the bad because if I continue to do that - nothing will seem happy or healthy on this end. So I reset.

Reset includes mindfulness. I need to be mindful of what I eat. I need to be mindful of what I say. I need to be mindful of what I listen to and how I allow that to impact me. I need to be mindful of drama and whether I embrace it or let it be. I need to be mindful of fullness and what goes in my mouth. I need to be mindful of balance in all areas of my life and balance is something that I have come so far yet still have so much work to do.

This is my reset. My journey to my 5K. Starting with a healthy mind set, a plan, establishing my tool back in my life because taking care of Fred and Joe is super important, and walking for accomplish it - to be there - to cross the finish line.

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