Wednesday, September 26, 2012

What I See? What You See? What They See?

I'm struggling right now with image - body image. I'm struggling with comparisons. I'm struggling with looking at others post WLS and going "i want to be there!" I'm struggling with what I weigh! I'm struggling with not knowing what I exactly weigh, but know its more than I think I should be . I'm struggling with anxiety about a 2 year post op appt and failing. I'm struggling with failure. I'm struggling with not wanting to let anyone down or be one of "those stories" where I gained it all back.

This isn't logical thinking or rational and I know that, but these are my fears. This is me being real and this is what I'm going through at 21 months post op. I feel like I could be doing more, should be doing more, and could be doing more. I'm not.

I feel like I'm giving excuses, but they are real reasons, but I feel like excuses and I read all the time about "no more excuses" but how do I make these real reasons not sound like excuses. 1) I have reactive hypoglycemia - and right now it is still getting under control. It isn't safe for me to stress my body out with intense exercise and pass out on a treadmill or get my sugar so low that it is harmful to me. 2) I've gone through an extreme medicine change for my anxiety and depression and that can cause some weight gain, but it caused alot of stress on my body. I'm just now feeling better 6 weeks post medicine change. I've been plain ole too tired to exercise due to meds making me sleepy - how does that sound like a reason don't you hear it screaming EXCUSE!

I don't know if I'm happy with my body or happy about being healthy. I can't distinguish if I don't feel successful because I'm not seeing what is actuality or if it is because I feel like I should of lost more weight by now....I should of done more...what more can I be doing. Then I go back to pictures.

Day of Surgery Jan 2010

Sept 19, 2012

Now when I lay out the pictures and I can't NOT see it. My face, my hands, my stomach, my stance - THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT, but my brain isn't ok with it. Why is there dichotamy of fighting between what I am and who I want to be physically. Where does this fight come from? Does it come from fear? Does it come from unrealistic expectations? Does it come from this illness called obesity? Where does this come from?

So what do I know?

I know that I'm healthier than I was 21 months ago.
I'm healthier mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I know that I've gone from morbidly obese to almost overweight with my BMI!

I'm off all medications for high blood pressure and a myriad of other medical problems. I take what I need to remain in this healthy state and fight genetics (something my WLS couldn't do on its own).

I take my vitamins religiously unless I'm so nauseated I'll throw them up (once in a blue moon!)

I am active where before I couldn't be at all.

I fit into smaller clothes, ok much much MUCH smaller clothes. Going from a 28W tight to a L/XL old navy top and 14/16 or XL bottoms is a HUGE accomplishment.

I walk before thinking I should drive across campus.

I eat and make better eating choices.

I can create meals that feel normal according to my diet - I cook instead of heat up like I used to.

I'm more of an advocate than ever because I am healthy and being an advocate helps with healing.

What I don't know?

I don't know if I'm going to make it to 170 lb goal pre plastics by my 2 year post op appt.

I don't know if I want to do plastics but realize my extra skin is a huge issue with body image.

I don't know if I'm doing everything "right" to balance RNY, RH, Mental Illness and all that comes with that.

I don't know if I'm healthy enough for my bariatric surgeon and I'm scared I'm letting him down on a gift he gave me!

I don't know if I'm exercising enough - is being active as I am enough?

I don't see the me others see....I see the top picture more than the bottom picture and that is frustrating to me!


  1. I can totally understand your fears and your desire to be at a different place weight wise than where you currently are. However, you should think about this, once upon a time you said to me "I'd love to weigh what you weigh." Well darlin, you and I are wearing the same size clothing now and I think you weigh a few pounds less than I do. You have nothing to be worried about because the little steps are leading you exactly where you need to be. It took years to become unhealthy and it will take time to get to the destination that you are looking for. Just be true to yourself and the rest will all fall into place. =)

    1. You are so not alone with this issue. You must remember, however, that you were the person in picture #1 for years, if not your entire life. Your brain is used to seeing #1 for a long period of time. You have only been picture #2 for nearly two years. It takes time for our brain to readjust to our body image. I have the same problem to this day.

      Your fears are common and you are not alone in those either. Everyone's weight loss journey is different and unique. You are doing enough. You will always be enough because you are better than where you were. We make mistakes, we aren't perfect and that's okay. We are human. Just continue to priase God and know that you may not be where you want to be, but you are far better off than where you used to be. <3 Heather