Thursday, September 20, 2012

How many Caps do you wear?

At church last night, the question was presented to the group of women how many caps do you wear? What is your identity and how do you define myself?

In my journey to a better me this is something that I've contemplated over alot. I'm still a work in progress and I am still not clear on what defines me, but I'm more clear in direction than I've been in a long time. At first I thought the journey was about balance. I spent time writing about balance and figuring out how to balance my time, my life, my journey. Taking some intentional time to grow myself has been amazing and it has helped me frame my body image, my body worth, and help start define who this new person in this new body essentially is...I'm Lissa!

Don't get me wrong I dont' have the ideal, and I don't have it all figured out - far from it, but if I look at my life 6 months ago and I look at my life today I do have a better grasp and balance on a number of things: Roots - I have a home that I've moved into, I have furniture, and I enjoy spending time there because part of me is a home body! Food - I have a good grasp on eating, what not to eat, what to eat, how to eat healthy and my RH is much better these days. I can count on one hand the amount of episodes I've had in the last 3 weeks which means I'm feeling better overall. I'm not loosing a ton of weight per se but my body is shrinking hello to size L! Husband - my super cute husband and I have made it a priority to do things together and its been great. Last weekend we spent the weekend being homebodies and it was so amazing. The best feeling in the world to be cuddle on the couch. Reading - I'm still reading my heart out even if I'm reading a school book, but great news myself and a co-worker of mine are starting a book club at work so my passion will continue with reading. Church - is good an I've missed my Hope family. I'm finally going to get back into the swing of life and since I'm feeling better I'm not sleeping all weekend and can get back to church. This is a huge outlet for me and helping me make friends. Friends- is an area where I still feel isolated, but I'm learning alot about myself, befriending wives/gfs of my husbands guy friends, and figuring out who is important to me, but the one area I haven't figured out is stress....yeah just ain't figured that one out yet!

All that said let's go back to last night and the many caps I wear. We had to write a list down of all the caps and roles we have and I was blown away by how many I came up with:
  • wife
  • stepmother
  • friend
  • daughter
  • daughter-in-law
  • sister
  • supporter
  • encourager
  • financial breadwinner
  • WLS patient
  • advocate
  • educator
  • advisor
  • student
  • laundry doer
  • organizer
  • "mammabear"
  • anxiety survivor
  • Horned Frog/alumni
  • crafter
  • creator
  • doer
Okay that list blew me away - I never realized I carry that many caps! Caps to me are more than roles they are identifiers and I have to be careful to not wear the "mask" of that cap and become that and forget who I am. I've struggled with who I am and what I want to be really seriously since February of this year. When I first got married it was really really tough for me....I just couldn't grasp who I was then I had WLS and boom....throw all I learned out the window, but I a learning that the caps I wear are important and some are meant to be worn forever, a time, a long time, and some I may be able to get rid of on my own. This talk really hit my heart and made me feel so NOT alone! I got to meet some great women in the process and though I don't want to add more to my plate in the midst of this transitional season, I'm really wanting to make more friends and I'm going to do something for me and join a growth group this semester. There really will only be 2 weeks of hecticness, but I think it would be really great for me to push myself to get to know other married women and to learn more about me. Look at me growing up!

Exercise update:
I'm walking regularly 9000 to 12000+ steps daily and eating well to keep my RH at bay...feeling good but really want to get into an exercise routine of walking to make it to a goal to run. I've been to put it into action. We'll see.

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