Monday, February 20, 2012

Breakdown of Tears

I finally have gotten to the point where I broke down and cried. I cried hard...long...and it was one of those frustrating cries where you shake, gasp, and head hurts. I think I needed it. I think I needed to just cry for me..and all these feelings that I'm gonig through with this chapter in my weight loss. It hasn't been pretty. I've struggled more than I like to admit. I've eaten what I've wanted last week and the week before. I've eaten sugar, carbs, and plenty of stuff that makes me feel heavy, icky, and blah, but I still am eating it. I broke down this weekend with tears of fear that I had stretched my pouch, tears of sadness that I could of ruined my hopes for keeping the weight off, tears of frustration that my stomach isn't guiding me, but my brain is guiding my stomach, and tears of anger that I'm not perfect. It was not pretty, but here I was in the hallway of my apartment broken down and crying to my husband. I don't want to fail. I don't want to not make my goal. I dont' want to hurt this amazing gift that I've been given.

I know this journey is bigger than my 1/2 cup stomach. I know it is bigger than me and my journey is part of the larger journey of WLS patients everywhere...I can't do this alone and I feel like I've been doing it alone for awhile. It could be the new surroundings, it could be fear of being away from my surgeon, and it could just be this time in the WLS journey, but I feel matter what I say or what I try to commit to I feel weak in this part of the journey. I've gotten back on track on some things and some things I've fallen off the wagon so many times I can't count. I know this is a process. I know this is a long process. I know I can do it (somewhere in the back of my head) but I need accountability. I need someone to help myself. I'm lost...I'm stuck in a maze of food at the grocery store "in my mind" and can't get out of the junk food section long enough to feel better. What to do? Any advice

1 comment:

  1. grace grace grace grace. know you are lavished in it through Jesus and then give yourself some. it takes a long time to change habits that are ingrained. we all have them whether they are food related or not. you have changed a lot of them in the last year. give yourself some grace when you mess up and then move on. this is me saying it to ME. hugs.