Tuesday, June 21, 2011

New day and New Outlook

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." These words could not be more appropriate today of all days. I'm having a down day a very down day and I am weighted down by the sense of failure and the worry of not being up to par and those things are consuming my brain (the part that isn't on task or at work/school), but those feelings are still there. What am I to do but to work through them? I'm good at refocusing and re-framing those thoughts, but its the act of action and doing that is the hard part for me in this moment.

I am only able to handle what is given to me and even though I feel as if it is too much, it isn't because I strongly believe that everything is purposeful and is meant to be given to each of us, but when I'm in the moment I feel like the world is not fair or an even place and I get bogged down. I get pulled down especially when what is going on triggers parts of my illness.

Maybe I thought that life at WLS would be a happy honeymoon where you "frolic" until the weight comes off or something, but now that I'm in the trenches it is way different. Right now I'm frustrated and I'm angry not at my WLS but I am frustrated at the fact that I'm not getting the weight to fall off. I'm frustrated that I'm not further along and I'm afraid that I've messed something up! I don't want to fail and yet here I sit consumed about the idea that I've failed that I'm not closer to 100 lbs gone, but then I'm reminded to look where I've come. This should help right? For some reason the last few days it makes it worse. I'm angry at myself for not working out harder earlier on or eating too many carbs one day - but I know that I can't dwell on it...but my mind is and I don't want it to be.

I am logical enough to know this (all of these thoughts above) are more anxiety than anything and that going through the process of getting back on meds for daytime will be beneficial. I also know that I have to work through all of these emotions with body image and comparison with my therapist. I do not live in a vacuum and though WLS is a tool it doesn't change the brain I have to do that. It is a daunting task in front of me, but its daunting because it is riddled with change. It isn't daunting because it is too hard - I just need to get the game face on and do it.

It has been a long while since my anxiety consumed me. It is large and in charge and thought I'm in the process of taking charge and getting my anxiety back in check, only if this was easier!

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