Thursday, May 26, 2011

Sweater on a Humid TN Day

Today is a gorgeous day in TN for May. It isn't too hot and it isn't too cold. It is not kill yourself humid yet and surprisingly I am wearing a sweater. Yep you read that a sweater. Miss "I'm hot all the time" is rocking a sweater at almost June. There are days like today when I sit back and just smile. I do a little "wiggle" of a happy dance in my car while driving or in my chair at work because no matter what is being said to me or how people are perceving me I'm doing it...I'm succeeding and shrinking. The small things make my day and knowing that I'm comfortable in my own skin [atleast temperature wise right now] is a pretty sweet achievement!

I've been thinking about identity alot lately. Its been on my mind for the last two weeks after going to a conference about civility. I stepped up and spoke up about "weightism" or the judgement of people's weight both under and over. I was proud to say outloud that I've been judged both at being overweight and now for being a WLS patient and losing. I've been treated differently and not all has been positive. I have to admit that adversity is part of the change, but on a professional level its unique to see how people treat me anyways that is a whole other post, but since that moment I've been really watching how I identitfy myself and it is not like anyone I know...

Lately I'm feeling terribly invisible. I feel as if when I blend in that no one really cares about what is going on in my life as a whole and this is a huge generality. I feel as if when I was fat people talked about me and now that I'm thinner people talk about me talking about losing weight. I can't win. Where is the balance there? My life is consumed with the WLS. I never realized it would be, but it is. My life revolves around food, supplements, eating, liquid intake, balancing of this that and the other and everything else that comes with WLS. I'm not expecting anyone else to care. I'm not expecting anyone else to know what I'm going through, but why can't I be why can't I be proud to be a WLS patient. Why am I not allowed to celebrate the little things in my life?

I think it comes down to understanding. The average person doesn't know my back story and doesn't know the challenges that are both mental and physical that I've gone through to get here. The average person doesn't read my blog and see the ebbs and flows of up and downs that I'm going through, but they don't need to. Why can't I celebrate monumental celebrations without being looked down at? I am the happiest when I fit into a chair that I didn't before, or I am able to buy clothes from a different side of a store. I dream about buying a wedding dress and fitting into victorias secret panties. Why can't I dream and be motivated by those things? I am ... that is the reality. I'm not expecting others to know what my shoes feel like, but celebrate with me. I'm happy I can finally be happy and healthy. I'm celebrating living because the years of my "fat" life I can't get back EVER, but I have a whole new life ahead.

I'm bogged down right now about others and their thinking. I shouldn't care, but I do. I'm bogged down by others perceptions of me because it was brought to my attention that I don't present myself as a person I present myself as a problem or my health issues. I guess none of my friends or those that care about me have ever brought this up, but here I am standing waiting...tell me how you perceive me? How do I present myself? I don't ask this because I need to fill my head with great things about myself, but I ask so I make myself better. I ask to see how my life is presented to you all because if I'm doing it wrong, let's make a change. This has me very discouraged right now. It has me very frustrated. I feel as if I am an outline of a figure and I don't know how to color in the picture.

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