Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Anxiety Ahead

There is a lot of anxiety right now in my life. My 3 month appointment for WLS is coming up in two weeks. I'm really nervous about the appointment. I'm always nervous about them, but this time I'm more nervous because of all the issues that have been happening the last few weeks. Between the food not staying down, issues with throwing up recently, and adding in new things and trying to have a somewhat normal eating life, but it seems a lot of things are getting in the way.

first, there is stress. work has been extremely stressful and there is only a month and a few days left in this academic year and the stress from work boils over into the daily stress of being in a marriage which is just work. i know that sounds negative, but a marriage is a great load of work and its a daily in and out kind of work where there is managing your own life on top of the together life and things you want, need, and hope to have which ultimately lead to money and financial things. the balance of a relationship versus the financial obligations feel overwhelming to me lately and that is just one source of stress.

when i get stressed now it effects my stomach in ways that i never imagined. when stressed i don't hold anxiety in my neck and back anymore. i don't always gets headaches, my stomach gets in knots and i can't swallow very well. if i'm stressed and i eat the food doesn't stay down. the food will either be bland that i have to eat or it is in the trash can...there is no in the middle yet. so being stressed effects my WLS. when i'm stressed and eat and throw up then my stomach swells and i have a hard few days which effects my working out and taking meds.

the schedule of taking supplements, meds, working out, eating, and then dealing with the stress has tumbled into two and half weeks of me sucking on the lifestyle of a WLS patient. i realize that no one is perfect, but i'm pretty hard on myself when it comes to my WLS and i know i need to do better, my wonderful husband is my biggest cheerleader and he keeps my chin up. i think when i step back and look at the situation i shouldn't be too too hard on myself. i need to treat me like i would treat my best friend and i wouldn't be that hard on her! i need to realize that this is a learning process from all angles and there is a lot of work involved. i need to keep at it and keep my chin up and keep trying. i know that i'm not perfect. i know that i'm not 100 % doing everything i need to be doing, but i am trying and i am striving to be close to that goal. tomorrow is always a new day and i want to be a good WLS patient that looks as good as she feels. i can't fail on this journey. i just can't fail...this is too big too important...i just don't want to fail and for some reason i feel like a big failure.

*Picture above: 10 weeks out from my surgery date


  1. Can I just say...that seeing this journey is inspiring. It comes from a place of such deep self-love that it brings tears to my eyes for two reasons. One, you are a fantastic person and to see how you're responding to your own realization of that is just...wonderful. Two, because I envy that, so very much. I wish I cared enough about myself to put down the sweets and stop this train-wreck of weight gain I'm on.

    I love your spirit, Melissa, and the more evidence I see of it, the more I love you!

  2. Christian,

    thank you for that. you don't know how much i needed to hear some of those things you said and it means the world to me! i love you...and if you ever need a no sugar cheerleader let me know i've kicked my sugar habit!

    mwah, lissa