Thursday, February 24, 2011

light at the end of the tunnel

I have been very frustrated over the last week or so because I've been hungry. I keep getting hungry and I didn't think I was supposed to be. I can't figure out if I'm not eating enough or eating the wrong combos of things, or even if I'm missing something, but I made a phone call to my nutritionist this morning. I need to find an answer to this because I don't want to mess up my pouch and I don't want to gain weight unless its muscle weight.

It is a huge fear of mine that I am working through. I'm trying not to focus on the pounds, but it is so hard to retrain your brain. It is so hard to retrain how I look at food and what food now means to me. It is hard examining myself in the mirror and realizing what clothes fit and what clothes are too big. I'm so used to hiding my frame that I don't usually wear things that don't completely cover up what used to be my large tummy, or wearing something that clings to me. I have to take time to get dressed to make sure I'm not wearing something that is too big or it doesn't lay correctly. It is something I'm not used to at all. I'm learning and it is a lot to learn. I'm not used to it and it is making me re-think what is happening with my body.

My body is now around 43 lbs down. I haven't weighed myself so I don't know where I sit this week, but I do know that my 3Xs are way too big, and my bras fit better. I know my shirts hang differently, and my 24 W jeans are gone. My skin is changing. No longer is my fat tight it is now pliable and movable. My arms are starting to sag and my belly is getting flatter and smaller. I used to have a huge lump of fat at the top a little valley by my belly button and another lump under my belly button. Now the valley gets smaller and smaller. I have a small pouch where the valley used to be and it makes all my clothes hang differently. My triple chin is gone and my face looks different. I have a double chin that is slowly going away. My thighs have lost weight allowing me to get into different pants, but now I have sagging skin that shows where I used to have tight huge thighs. My butt is loosing its "table top" and now is more round. My body is just changing so much. It is hard to process it all. I'm more comfortable but at the same time I'm not. It is all so new and I don't know what I will look like in two weeks or three weeks, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This morning I received a great quoted message from my daily spark people and it was about seasons of life, taking time to get through things, and realizing the now is part of the whole picture. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I have to remember that this confusion about my body is just a season. It will all work out as I learn new things. I will understand this new body and be able to dress it again comfortably. I have to realize that this is part of the path to through the tunnel because I see the light. A year ago I would of never imagined to be sitting here typing that I'm loosing this much weight and feeling so good. Last year I would of been depressed and in misery. I would not have been as happy and there was no light.

Now 6 weeks post op, I've lost more weight in since Jan 10th then I have in years. I'm right on target and I'm loosing a ton of inches. I'm actually exercising and using muscles. I am able to walk and not get completely out of breath. I am able to stay up and not be so exhausted all the time. I am willing to go out and do new things and be out of the house. I'm feeling good overall and I'm just learning. This is the season for change as we move into spring and things bloom. My body has been in hibernation and now we are getting ready to blossom into what I do not know. It is an exciting yet trying time.

I will always battle with food. Food will be my greatest enemy. I will struggle with the I want versus I need for the rest of my life. I just have to figure out what I am doing and where I am going and how to do this new phase. I'm having to learn quicker than preparing for the major surgery change, but I have the tools to beat obesity. I just have to keep trying. I think I will feel better after I talk to my nutrionist today. I just need someone to confirm what I'm doing is right or wrong and that I'm making good decisions. Deep breathes....another day in front of me. I'm blessed to see my light at the end of the tunnel.

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