Saturday, February 26, 2011

learning to re-dress my body

i don't think i've ever been so body conscious before. as my body is changing my brain is taking a long while to catch up. i'm so used to wearing the same outfits over and over because they fit and don't add to my size and now i'm trying to find things that fit and don't make me look bigger than i am because i'm shrinking. it is a pain to get dressed in the morning because i'm trying to figure out the new norm and the new outfits, but i'm trying. i'm catching myself often asking my husband what i actually look like because what i feel and what i see makes me uncomfortable because it is so new. go shopping and getting new things is exciting for me, but it is also so very scary. i'm always worried about the fit or the way i look. its a new thing for me scared about what i look like. its a new thing for me to wonder what other people will really see when i wear something particular, but i'm trying to figure out who the new me is in the new clothes. i'm thinking about going and looking at the thrift store today for some new 2x shirts. i need to find something for our pictures coming up next week and i really want a blue shirt...i think 2x might be safe to buy for a bit, but who knows.

someone was jokingly calling me vain yesterday as i am dressing in smaller clothes, and i got my new retainer to keep my teeth straight, and i took offense to that because i'm not doing these things to be vain. i'm wearing cuter clothes because smaller clothes come in different fashion and i've been lucky enough to have been given some cute tops. i didn't get a new retainer just to fix my smile now i've been wearing them for years and i needed a new one that would keep all of the work my parents spent putting into my mouth for 8 plus years. i just had the time and money to get it done now. i don't want to be known or jokingly called vain because i'm doing something different with my hair or that i'm paying attention to my clothes. it isn't because i need to look someone it is a huge insecurity right now for me. in less than two months i have gone through a lot of changes. surgery, losing weight, new retainer, new glasses, and trying to figure it all out on top of eating...well it is a lot to process and its all new. it is really kinda scary to me...but i'm keeping my chin up and working on my confidence.

working on my confidence in this new body is taking the little things and making them a big accomplishment. for someone else it might not be a big deal to go to the gym and workout, but i battle what people think and say about me still the fat one. it may not be a big deal to go buy a pair of jeans, but when i slipped into my first non-lane bryant pair of jeans it was the biggest deal in my world just like when i bought my first pair of leggings. i celebrated that for the first time i could sit in the KUC theater and put the table top down in the chair and fit. i celebrated being able to cross my legs for the first time in 10 years. those things are big accomplishments to me and i love that when i tell my husband of things like these he smiles so bigs. he smiles at me like the day we got married or the day he first told me he loved me. it makes me feel like the prettiest girl in the world and the rest of the things i worry about melt away.

1 comment:

  1. You don't ever need to worry about what other people are thinking. You need to focus on you. The only opinion that should honestly matter is hubs. I think you are doing fantastic on this journey, I am so proud of you and you give me the confidence to take the steps I need to be a better me. You are beautiful and anyone who calls you vain is just jealous because their journey is no where near as fabulous as yours.